a few weeks ago things seemed great. Karen was acting Giddy around me, we were having allot of lil Us moments, etc...
she even at one point corned me as I cam down stairs and told me what she told you guys(meaning her blogs followers), mostly in jest but with a serious undertone.
Most kids from broken homes end up getting divorced later in life. Both Pat and I are from broken homes. Twice over, actually. That puts the odds against us. But I've decided, for our kids and their future kids, I'm ending that cycle. Pat and I will do whatever it takes to make this happen. Or I'll die trying. Hehe. Get it? Till death do we part? Die trying to make it work? Get it? Ok.
I thought things were doing good, a few rough spots here and there but good as a whole.
forward to now. She is talking about how we could feasibly split. the phrase 'open relationship' has been thrown out there. she has made jokes about if it wasn't for me should would be a slut, her words seemed thankful but her tone sounded bitter.
or we'll fight for this until the day we die... worn out, bitter, but together.
I made comment that it didnt hafta be tiring, and we could strive for happiness but she threw it back at me "Then Prove me wrong". So it rests on my shoulders to make this marriage work?
I love this woman very much, but I hafta wonder... Am I going to hafta go through this every time someone shows her affection? she said 2 months back that me paranoia and Jealousy were getting tiresome... but lets look at things from my point of view. she brakes up with Brandon to be with me, she broke it off with me to be with Andrew, Andrew becomes black(theory) and she comes back to me, and now Theo comes into the Picture as an 'option' and she uses words like split, Separate, and Divorce more in 3 days then she has in 2 years...
She wont stop talking about how she Destroyed a good friendship to protect our marriage, acting like she is pissed at ME because she has to protect her marriage because its the right thing to do.
I spend my days doing the best I can to take care of our Children, half of the time when im 'mean' to her its me trying to protect the kids from her BPD/Mood Swings. most of the rest of the time im trying to protect myself.
and now im cornered again... Walking on Egg shells.
im sorry if this post seems to 'dart' from one point to the next, or not make sense at all... Im trying very hard to keep myself together and think rational. both in this post and in life. Im failing...
Posts
First and formost Theo is not an option. And I know that. First, I'm married. Second, he's in a relationship.
ReplyDeleteIn my rational mind, Theo is not a threat to anything. In my irrational mind, yes he'd be an easy out. But how often am I in that irrational mind? Not as often as one might think. At least in regards to Theo.
And it isn't Theo himself. It's what he represents. Freedom. In my rational mind, I don't need it. In my irrational mind, I crave it.
In my irrational mind freedom wouldn't be any easier than marriage to Pat. In fact, in a lot of ways it would be harder and more painful. So wouldn't that make Pat the easy option?
These are all things I think about. And then yes, when a freedom pops into my mind, I think about it a little more.
I've considered ust not coming home from work one day. I don't know where I'd go or how I'd survive. I'd still work and Pat would still have that paycheck. But I'd have freedom. I don't want that freedom.
So why did I end my friendship with Theo? I haven't. Not really. Theo triggeres my typal. But it isn't really him. His face, and his voice, but not his mind and his words. It's always different. Usually just friends, sometimes more. And it isn't unusual. Everyone I care about has an oppertunity to trigger it. All in their various roles. But Theo needs to stop. Not that it's his fault. I take full responsibility for it. But until I can get Theo out of my head, I need to keep him off my mind. And yes it hurts. I have few people willing to tolerate my existence and accept me from who I am. Losing any of them would be equally painful. So this hurts. But it has to be done.
When you marry someone you are not only agreeing to allow that person into your world, you are also agreeing to protect that person from being hurt by your world.
ReplyDeleteAs I am learning this the hard way, I can say this and know exactly how you both feel. When you are married and have a family, kids that count on you, it is no longer about YOU and it never will be again. As hard as this may be to accept it is the reality that you are now in.
Karen, I like you a lot, and I know I may sound like I am lecturing, but I am saying this stuff because I care about you both. It is alright to be selfish from time to time but you can never throw around words like "split" and "divorce" to someone you love unless you no longer love them. So you need to think hard before you allow your mood swings to do the talking for you.
I have been tempted by men who talk me up and want me to leave my husband. You know why? Because men want what they can't have and the second you are free to be with them something more pretty or shiney comes along and you just lost everything for nothing.
I know that Pat has him own problems and sometimes those problems are frustraiting as hell. You both are married and have a family and you need to learn to do what is best for your family by fixing your self. You have the most adorable boys in the world and they deserve to see their mom and dad happy and in a healthy relationship. Otherwise the cycle that you speak of will never be broken. It takes sacrifice to break a cycle but if it is not a sacrifice you both don't feel is worth making then you need to rethink the situation entirely.
Commit yourself totally and put your foot down in your own chaos or lose everything. I have lost everything before and yes, learned a big lesson and grew up, but losing everything when kids are involved is not something anyone can recover from.
I love you both and just want you to be happy damn it!
~April