Im Angry...

that's just one of my doves.

I think I've explained this once before but just to be on the safe side I will give a quick run down

when im staring into space its like I'm sitting on a park bench feeding Doves.

each Dove is a thought, a worry, a stray emotion, a fantasy, a dream, a terror, etc...

if I'm asked what I'm thinking those Doves Scatter. trying to describe one out of the chaotic flock doesn't work.

right now there are more doves then normal... hundreds of Doves pecking away.

I keep asking myself what I'm thinking and I'm struggling for answers.

First and foremost I'm dealing with a Broken heart... AGAIN.

I feel anger for the people that are hurting over this.

I'm angry at the people who got over it like it was nothing.

I'm Angry with the people, the Person that used me for a devious end.

I'm scared that person is still capable of doing harm to my life.

I'm Paranoid about every action everyone makes around me more then normal.

I'm questioning EVERYTHING that's happened between now and 12 years ago.

I'm Happy for people that have had good things happen to them in the wake up my betrayal.

I'm Paranoid about how my wife is acting, scared that being honest with her was the wrong choice.

I'm Scared of Losing my wife.

the very next Dove that crosses my line of site doesn't want to be with my wife.

I'm Happy that people affected by my insanity have gotten over it so quickly.

yes I did just counter-dict myself at least 3 times.

I want to be Happy, but its not aloud... not this time.

I'm Stuck with the cards of been delt.

and right now I wish I had used Butterflies for this metaphor because Doves move to fucking fast....

Dexter/Heroes

I was shown Dexter by Jesse... started watching it and it took the place of my games. gave me a chance to just stop thinking and absorb...

then I found Heroes... again it gave me a release.

between the two shows I've had over 90 hours of peace and quiet from the Turmoil my mind is currently going through.

I just finished the last episode of Heroes that I have at my disposal...

the noise is back, but its different. its like I have a broken heart...

Pushing

I feel the need to push people away again...

I find myself getting angry with people I love...

there is no reason for me to be angry with them, they did nothing wrong.

Im pushing them away to protect myself, and them. am I selfish? or do I just want them to be happy even though I cant be?

Lost

I feel Lost now more then ever.

Everything I thought was true is a lie, a fabrication, some form of untruth... semantics at best.

its times like these that i envy Karen's 'disorder'. to see things in Black OR white... Everything is Grey.

even though Ive had my fears of being BPD... this is the one thing that keeps me from falling down that hole.