that's just one of my doves.
I think I've explained this once before but just to be on the safe side I will give a quick run down
when im staring into space its like I'm sitting on a park bench feeding Doves.
each Dove is a thought, a worry, a stray emotion, a fantasy, a dream, a terror, etc...
if I'm asked what I'm thinking those Doves Scatter. trying to describe one out of the chaotic flock doesn't work.
right now there are more doves then normal... hundreds of Doves pecking away.
I keep asking myself what I'm thinking and I'm struggling for answers.
First and foremost I'm dealing with a Broken heart... AGAIN.
I feel anger for the people that are hurting over this.
I'm angry at the people who got over it like it was nothing.
I'm Angry with the people, the Person that used me for a devious end.
I'm scared that person is still capable of doing harm to my life.
I'm Paranoid about every action everyone makes around me more then normal.
I'm questioning EVERYTHING that's happened between now and 12 years ago.
I'm Happy for people that have had good things happen to them in the wake up my betrayal.
I'm Paranoid about how my wife is acting, scared that being honest with her was the wrong choice.
I'm Scared of Losing my wife.
the very next Dove that crosses my line of site doesn't want to be with my wife.
I'm Happy that people affected by my insanity have gotten over it so quickly.
yes I did just counter-dict myself at least 3 times.
I want to be Happy, but its not aloud... not this time.
I'm Stuck with the cards of been delt.
and right now I wish I had used Butterflies for this metaphor because Doves move to fucking fast....
Monday, November 2, 2009
Dexter/Heroes
I was shown Dexter by Jesse... started watching it and it took the place of my games. gave me a chance to just stop thinking and absorb...
then I found Heroes... again it gave me a release.
between the two shows I've had over 90 hours of peace and quiet from the Turmoil my mind is currently going through.
I just finished the last episode of Heroes that I have at my disposal...
the noise is back, but its different. its like I have a broken heart...
then I found Heroes... again it gave me a release.
between the two shows I've had over 90 hours of peace and quiet from the Turmoil my mind is currently going through.
I just finished the last episode of Heroes that I have at my disposal...
the noise is back, but its different. its like I have a broken heart...
Pushing
I feel the need to push people away again...
I find myself getting angry with people I love...
there is no reason for me to be angry with them, they did nothing wrong.
Im pushing them away to protect myself, and them. am I selfish? or do I just want them to be happy even though I cant be?
I find myself getting angry with people I love...
there is no reason for me to be angry with them, they did nothing wrong.
Im pushing them away to protect myself, and them. am I selfish? or do I just want them to be happy even though I cant be?
Lost
I feel Lost now more then ever.
Everything I thought was true is a lie, a fabrication, some form of untruth... semantics at best.
its times like these that i envy Karen's 'disorder'. to see things in Black OR white... Everything is Grey.
even though Ive had my fears of being BPD... this is the one thing that keeps me from falling down that hole.
Everything I thought was true is a lie, a fabrication, some form of untruth... semantics at best.
its times like these that i envy Karen's 'disorder'. to see things in Black OR white... Everything is Grey.
even though Ive had my fears of being BPD... this is the one thing that keeps me from falling down that hole.
Monday, September 21, 2009
I havent forgoten
...about you, whoever you may be.
Life has been Hectic with TK starting school, Adjusting to new games(seems trivial I'm sure.), dealing with a Karen going into a busy season after such a dry one(always a Joy, and damn near kills me every year), so on and so forth...
and this is the big one.
Fighting so Hard to figure out who I am so I know who TK is so he doesnt hafta have a soul searching blog of his own someday trying to figure out who, what, WHY, where, when, and how...
Life has been Hectic with TK starting school, Adjusting to new games(seems trivial I'm sure.), dealing with a Karen going into a busy season after such a dry one(always a Joy, and damn near kills me every year), so on and so forth...
and this is the big one.
Fighting so Hard to figure out who I am so I know who TK is so he doesnt hafta have a soul searching blog of his own someday trying to figure out who, what, WHY, where, when, and how...
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Worse Panic Attack ever.
Im driving down the road... 161 to be exact. the current speed limit is 55 miles an hour.
we are coming up on the first light past 270. its only Luke and I in the Car.
a Pick up truck trys to turn in front of us and catches himself before he T-bones me.
this is were the panic attack/day terror start. in my mind in REAL TIME he hits me. the back of my door and all of Lukes.
Im pinned. I cant turn around to check on luke and I hear nothing but a ring in my ear caused by his jammed Horn. I slide the phone out of my pocket with my right hand, the only part of me that can move.
I call 911 and its more complex then I remember 911 as being. it doesnt help that I can only faintly hear the person on the other end cause I cant get the phone to my ear.
it takes minutes for help to get there. I still cant hear luke all I hear is a horn and people chattering outside the car. they cant get to us.
more minutes pass, I hear sirens now. I hear metal scrapping ground and I feel as if the weight is being pulled away from my side. things are broken but I will live. I hear more crunching metal and then I hear my baby scream. and then he is quiet again.
im finally able to turn around and all im going to say is at this point I wish I hadnt.
in this day terror he doesnt make it.
Im getting worse.
we are coming up on the first light past 270. its only Luke and I in the Car.
a Pick up truck trys to turn in front of us and catches himself before he T-bones me.
this is were the panic attack/day terror start. in my mind in REAL TIME he hits me. the back of my door and all of Lukes.
Im pinned. I cant turn around to check on luke and I hear nothing but a ring in my ear caused by his jammed Horn. I slide the phone out of my pocket with my right hand, the only part of me that can move.
I call 911 and its more complex then I remember 911 as being. it doesnt help that I can only faintly hear the person on the other end cause I cant get the phone to my ear.
it takes minutes for help to get there. I still cant hear luke all I hear is a horn and people chattering outside the car. they cant get to us.
more minutes pass, I hear sirens now. I hear metal scrapping ground and I feel as if the weight is being pulled away from my side. things are broken but I will live. I hear more crunching metal and then I hear my baby scream. and then he is quiet again.
im finally able to turn around and all im going to say is at this point I wish I hadnt.
in this day terror he doesnt make it.
Im getting worse.
Friday, July 24, 2009
This is how I feel most days...
Depeche Mode - Wrong
I was born with the wrong sign
In the wrong house
With the wrong ascendancy
I took the wrong road
That led to the wrong tendencies
I was in the wrong place
At the wrong time
For the wrong reason
And the wrong rhyme
On the wrong day
Of the wrong week
I used the wrong method
With the wrong technique
Wrong
Wrong
There's something wrong with me chemically
Something wrong with me inherently
The wrong mix
In the wrong genes
I reached the wrong ends
By the wrong means
It was the wrong plan
In the wrong hands
The wrong theory for the wrong man
The wrong eyes
On the wrong prize
The wrong questions with the wrong replies
Wrong
Wrong
I was marching to the wrong drum
With the wrong scum
Pissing out the wrong energy
Using all the wrong lines
And the wrong signs
With the wrong intensity
I was on the wrong page
Of the wrong book
With the wrong rendition
Of the wrong look
With the wrong moon
Every wrong night
With the wrong tune played
Till it sounded right, yeah
Wrong
Wrong
Too long...
I was born with the wrong sign
In the wrong house
With the wrong ascendancy
I took the wrong road
That led to the wrong tendencies
I was in the wrong place
At the wrong time
For the wrong reason
And the wrong rhyme
On the wrong day
Of the wrong week
I used the wrong method
With the wrong technique
Wrong
I was born with the wrong sign
In the wrong house
With the wrong ascendancy
I took the wrong road
That led to the wrong tendencies
I was in the wrong place
At the wrong time
For the wrong reason
And the wrong rhyme
On the wrong day
Of the wrong week
I used the wrong method
With the wrong technique
Wrong
Wrong
There's something wrong with me chemically
Something wrong with me inherently
The wrong mix
In the wrong genes
I reached the wrong ends
By the wrong means
It was the wrong plan
In the wrong hands
The wrong theory for the wrong man
The wrong eyes
On the wrong prize
The wrong questions with the wrong replies
Wrong
Wrong
I was marching to the wrong drum
With the wrong scum
Pissing out the wrong energy
Using all the wrong lines
And the wrong signs
With the wrong intensity
I was on the wrong page
Of the wrong book
With the wrong rendition
Of the wrong look
With the wrong moon
Every wrong night
With the wrong tune played
Till it sounded right, yeah
Wrong
Wrong
Too long...
I was born with the wrong sign
In the wrong house
With the wrong ascendancy
I took the wrong road
That led to the wrong tendencies
I was in the wrong place
At the wrong time
For the wrong reason
And the wrong rhyme
On the wrong day
Of the wrong week
I used the wrong method
With the wrong technique
Wrong
Friday, July 3, 2009
Music...
at one point it was easy to say that I am/was obsessed with Pink Floyd, or Music in General.
Music has always been able to move me to Tears, laughter, joy, etc...
PF was the embodiment of this.
No Matter my mood there was a song or in some cases an entire album that I could play to take me out of that mood or heighten it to epic proportions.
I can play a song by VNV nation and be reminded of an entire feeling... not just the sights and sounds but EVERYTHING about it. as if the past 9 years have never passed.
Music was a strong force in my life... but Ive lost it.
Ive lost the ability to be moved by music like I used to be. now my obession with PF is purely because I know I should be, more over I know I want to be... Obessed with something.
its not just music... everything in my life is losing its flavor... Ive been heart broken for over a year because I feel like ive lost a lover. but it isnt a woman... its music.
was it Karen braking my heart that did it? The Passing of my Grandma? Losing myself? any number of things that have happend in the past few years... for better and/or for worse... I dont know. maybe its apart of losing myself...
I miss enjoying the moving feelings I got from music, the taste of fine foods, the smell and feel of a thunder storm, the scent of a woman, I miss living... I miss Roger Waters Belting out lyrics about insanity and having it make me feel sane.
Music has always been able to move me to Tears, laughter, joy, etc...
PF was the embodiment of this.
No Matter my mood there was a song or in some cases an entire album that I could play to take me out of that mood or heighten it to epic proportions.
I can play a song by VNV nation and be reminded of an entire feeling... not just the sights and sounds but EVERYTHING about it. as if the past 9 years have never passed.
Music was a strong force in my life... but Ive lost it.
Ive lost the ability to be moved by music like I used to be. now my obession with PF is purely because I know I should be, more over I know I want to be... Obessed with something.
its not just music... everything in my life is losing its flavor... Ive been heart broken for over a year because I feel like ive lost a lover. but it isnt a woman... its music.
was it Karen braking my heart that did it? The Passing of my Grandma? Losing myself? any number of things that have happend in the past few years... for better and/or for worse... I dont know. maybe its apart of losing myself...
I miss enjoying the moving feelings I got from music, the taste of fine foods, the smell and feel of a thunder storm, the scent of a woman, I miss living... I miss Roger Waters Belting out lyrics about insanity and having it make me feel sane.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Panic Disorder
one of the 11 things the Doc SSI sent me too said I had was Panic Disorder...
my Disorders are part of who I am so lets see the example of this.
once a month for being on SSI and having kids I get Food Stamps. once a month I have a rutial of going out at midnight on the first and getting food.
I do this at midnight because I hate people. to many people around and I get panicked.
I just spent 45 minutes in the parking lot of a Krogar 'frozen' because it was the third chain store I went to that was 24 hours a day last month but is closed at 10-12 this month.
a cop tapping on the window with a flash light sent me in a diffrent form of panic. I explained my ordeal and he apolagized for startling me and followed me home to make sure I got here ok.
in other news: Westerville cops rule. he did not hafta escort me home. but he did and not because he was being a dick but because he was concerned and understanding.
my Disorders are part of who I am so lets see the example of this.
once a month for being on SSI and having kids I get Food Stamps. once a month I have a rutial of going out at midnight on the first and getting food.
I do this at midnight because I hate people. to many people around and I get panicked.
I just spent 45 minutes in the parking lot of a Krogar 'frozen' because it was the third chain store I went to that was 24 hours a day last month but is closed at 10-12 this month.
a cop tapping on the window with a flash light sent me in a diffrent form of panic. I explained my ordeal and he apolagized for startling me and followed me home to make sure I got here ok.
in other news: Westerville cops rule. he did not hafta escort me home. but he did and not because he was being a dick but because he was concerned and understanding.
Monday, June 29, 2009
3am
Panic attacks... yes jesse the real kind. back to back. over and over. I feel like my heart is going to explode.
I need to sleep but I cant.
Fucking Stupid as random inspections
I need to sleep but I cant.
Fucking Stupid as random inspections
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Other!
I figured out who I am...
it came to me while I milled over in my head how internet quiz's are STUPID.
Are you:
[ ] Male
[ ] Female
[*] Other
Are you:
[ ]Black
[ ]White
[ ]Latino
[*]Other
Are you:
[ ]Gay
[ ]Straight
[*]Other
Are you:
[ ]Democrat
[ ]Republican
[ ]Independent
[ ]communist
[ ]socialist
[*]Other
Are you:
[ ]Goth
[ ]Prep
[ ]Redneck
[ ]Jock
[ ]Nerd
[ ]Geek
[ ]Gamer
[ ]Wigger
[*]Other
Are you:
[ ]A Pervert
[ ]A Prude
[*]Other
Are you:
[ ]A Father
[ ]A Mother
[ ]No Children
[*]Other
IM OTHER!!
it came to me while I milled over in my head how internet quiz's are STUPID.
Are you:
[ ] Male
[ ] Female
[*] Other
Are you:
[ ]Black
[ ]White
[ ]Latino
[*]Other
Are you:
[ ]Gay
[ ]Straight
[*]Other
Are you:
[ ]Democrat
[ ]Republican
[ ]Independent
[ ]communist
[ ]socialist
[*]Other
Are you:
[ ]Goth
[ ]Prep
[ ]Redneck
[ ]Jock
[ ]Nerd
[ ]Geek
[ ]Gamer
[ ]Wigger
[*]Other
Are you:
[ ]A Pervert
[ ]A Prude
[*]Other
Are you:
[ ]A Father
[ ]A Mother
[ ]No Children
[*]Other
IM OTHER!!
Saturday, June 20, 2009
I feel like me right now...
Ran D&D tonight...
Winding down now in front of my PC listening to Fran Sinatra and Mel Torme smoking a Cigar...
I need a Vodka Colan's.
Winding down now in front of my PC listening to Fran Sinatra and Mel Torme smoking a Cigar...
I need a Vodka Colan's.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Im sorry Grandma
with so much going on right now I just cant handle the fight within myself to come see you right now.
I hafta pick and choose my fights very carefully these days.
I love you very much and miss you even more.
I hafta pick and choose my fights very carefully these days.
I love you very much and miss you even more.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Distracted.
Im sorry im not posting much these days...
I go through times when I could write more then thoughts I have to save.
this is one of those times but its painful and Im doing my best to keep 'now' out of this.
I go through times when I could write more then thoughts I have to save.
this is one of those times but its painful and Im doing my best to keep 'now' out of this.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Motivation...
...I has none.
Getting healthy in itself would be good for me(obviously).
but that doesn't motivate me to do so.
A high quility sex life would be available if I got healthy.
but that doesn't motivate me to do so.
my comfort of living in general would be much better.
but that doesn't motivate me to do so.
house hold choirs would be easier.
but that doesn't motivate me to do so.
I fear that if somthing happend to me, and I passed. My wife and/or Children wouldnt be far behind.
but that doesn't motivate me to do so.
what else is there?
Getting healthy in itself would be good for me(obviously).
but that doesn't motivate me to do so.
A high quility sex life would be available if I got healthy.
but that doesn't motivate me to do so.
my comfort of living in general would be much better.
but that doesn't motivate me to do so.
house hold choirs would be easier.
but that doesn't motivate me to do so.
I fear that if somthing happend to me, and I passed. My wife and/or Children wouldnt be far behind.
but that doesn't motivate me to do so.
what else is there?
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Earthquacks and aftershocks
I got a Migraine on Sat, early Sunday that was one of the big ones... I knew I was getting it on Friday night.
it hit full force at 3am, I couldn't fall asleep until 6:30 AM when I was run out of the living room by the sun coming up.
I woke up at 12:30pm throwing up, and other then the jarring effect of losing everything in your digestive track I felt much better.
since then I've had 3-4 tiny migraines... compared to the big one they feel like annoying stress headaches but I know they aren't.
at this moment I feel like if been slipt eX but without the euphoria...
it hit full force at 3am, I couldn't fall asleep until 6:30 AM when I was run out of the living room by the sun coming up.
I woke up at 12:30pm throwing up, and other then the jarring effect of losing everything in your digestive track I felt much better.
since then I've had 3-4 tiny migraines... compared to the big one they feel like annoying stress headaches but I know they aren't.
at this moment I feel like if been slipt eX but without the euphoria...
Monday, April 27, 2009
Logic of the Yam...
get to go tomorrow and get poked and prodded for an allergy scratch test
well heres to hope'n your allergic to yer hubby... err.... NOT allergic... my bad
>.>
<.<
brat
even if I was allergic to the hubby it would do you any good :P
meany
I am health food!
wha?
by my previous logic Laughing is healthy, thus im healthy....
and people like chewing on me
IM A CARROT!
which explains why I dont eat veggies... I'm not a Cannibal!!
im sweet
there ya go
Yammers in pah'Jammers?
Yat?
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Lou #1
My Grandmother was the most important person in my life for the first 25+ years of my life.
She was my Security blanket. she was my friend. she was my Grandma...
My mom had me at 16 years old so my grandmother was there for me allot more then your avg grandma.
whenever I was in trouble she bailed me out. when Ron beat me, she would come rescue me. when I needed a Car of my own, she helped me buy it. when I blew up my car, she helped get it fixed. when I needed a place to live and couch surfing wasn't cutting it, she gave me a room.
I can say without a doubt in my mind that no one has ever been there for me to the Degree that she was.
she LOVED my hair. she would run her fingers through it and make comments like "Your hair is so thick", or "I wish I could grow hair like this...". the sad part is ever since I was like 14+ years old my head was either buzzed or shaved bald.
Second to last time I went to see her before she died I had long hair. she asked me if I had grown it out for her and I bold faced lied and said it was. the truth was I just couldn't afford a real hair cut and I was too lazy to Buzz it myself.
I didn't go to her funeral and have yet to go to the Graveyard to see her... Guilt, trouble dealing with the fact that she is gone, and so fourth... But Ive decided in Early August I'm going to go see her. and I'm not touching my hair until I do. and it will be for her.
She was my Security blanket. she was my friend. she was my Grandma...
My mom had me at 16 years old so my grandmother was there for me allot more then your avg grandma.
whenever I was in trouble she bailed me out. when Ron beat me, she would come rescue me. when I needed a Car of my own, she helped me buy it. when I blew up my car, she helped get it fixed. when I needed a place to live and couch surfing wasn't cutting it, she gave me a room.
I can say without a doubt in my mind that no one has ever been there for me to the Degree that she was.
she LOVED my hair. she would run her fingers through it and make comments like "Your hair is so thick", or "I wish I could grow hair like this...". the sad part is ever since I was like 14+ years old my head was either buzzed or shaved bald.
Second to last time I went to see her before she died I had long hair. she asked me if I had grown it out for her and I bold faced lied and said it was. the truth was I just couldn't afford a real hair cut and I was too lazy to Buzz it myself.
I didn't go to her funeral and have yet to go to the Graveyard to see her... Guilt, trouble dealing with the fact that she is gone, and so fourth... But Ive decided in Early August I'm going to go see her. and I'm not touching my hair until I do. and it will be for her.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Reality *paused*
A week ago yesterday a new content patch was put out for WoW. with this patch came a lot of new stuff to do. since Tuesday I haven't had many headaches at all. my mood as been more up-beat and TK has even said and I quote "Your more fun, have you been taking mommies happy pills?"
The Drawback of course to my ADHD to have something to latch onto is I'm not Sleeping like I should(less then 6 hours of sleep a night with no naps). Its harder to tear me away from the game, though IMHO I'm doing better then I used too. oh and im not posting as much obviously.
how long will this last? well I'm already taking dents out of what they added, so its likely that I will be bored with it and in mental and physical pain again by May *nods*
The Drawback of course to my ADHD to have something to latch onto is I'm not Sleeping like I should(less then 6 hours of sleep a night with no naps). Its harder to tear me away from the game, though IMHO I'm doing better then I used too. oh and im not posting as much obviously.
how long will this last? well I'm already taking dents out of what they added, so its likely that I will be bored with it and in mental and physical pain again by May *nods*
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Hypocrisy
Ya, Fuck you for fucking me after I fucked you...
Fuck.
( this Post has nothing to do with you Karen Just FYI...)
Fuck.
( this Post has nothing to do with you Karen Just FYI...)
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Games #3
I find it Ironic that ive talked more about magic in the past 2 weeks then I have in a long time and today out of the clear blue I get a Box with 2 30 card decks in it from WotC. one is red one is green.
the box had nothing else in it but two Decks, and it was made out to "Pat Marrs".
did one of my friends and/or Family have it sent to me? was it some promotion were they dug me up to try to drag me back in? was it my wife who swears up and down that it wasnt her... I dont know.
but they cards are neat.
Karen and I are supposed to test them out tonight. she claimed the Green Deck.
the box had nothing else in it but two Decks, and it was made out to "Pat Marrs".
did one of my friends and/or Family have it sent to me? was it some promotion were they dug me up to try to drag me back in? was it my wife who swears up and down that it wasnt her... I dont know.
but they cards are neat.
Karen and I are supposed to test them out tonight. she claimed the Green Deck.
Letter to my Family: Diagnosis Part 3
Im a Pathilogical Lier but have improved greatly since Oct 26th 1999, when I told the first person the truth as I know it in detail. but as a side effect alot of my past is "missing" unless I pot ALOT of focus on it, even then I dont trust it or myself. (This is one of the main reasons for this blog.)
I spend most my time wrrying but at the same time im unmotivated to do anything about it. the more im worried and stressed the more my mild headaches become less mild.
I consider myself a very depressed person, and have on Occasion had thoughts of killing myself... most of the time these thoughts dont come by choice.... see the part about daydreams. (Day Terrors)
there is so much more but just the act of writing(and re-writing) this E-mail has worsend my headache and mood.
when I was in grade school every teacher at some point throught the year would ask the same question, what do you want to be when you grow-up. I always answerd the same thing... a Truck Driver. That was untill I re-met my dad. then the only thing I wanted to be was a GREAT Father... Better then my Dad and Ron. The Above is making that very Hard.
Patrick
since I wrote that e-mail, alot has changed, but at the same time alot is still just as bad if not worse.
I spend most my time wrrying but at the same time im unmotivated to do anything about it. the more im worried and stressed the more my mild headaches become less mild.
I consider myself a very depressed person, and have on Occasion had thoughts of killing myself... most of the time these thoughts dont come by choice.... see the part about daydreams. (Day Terrors)
there is so much more but just the act of writing(and re-writing) this E-mail has worsend my headache and mood.
when I was in grade school every teacher at some point throught the year would ask the same question, what do you want to be when you grow-up. I always answerd the same thing... a Truck Driver. That was untill I re-met my dad. then the only thing I wanted to be was a GREAT Father... Better then my Dad and Ron. The Above is making that very Hard.
Patrick
since I wrote that e-mail, alot has changed, but at the same time alot is still just as bad if not worse.
Letter to my Family: Diagnosis Part 2
My Stomache: Well Besides the Acid reflex wich isnt total BS, it just happens there is MUCH more to it. Whenever I eat somthing I feel very weak and sluggish, I also have a feeling like I need to vomet but in most causes dont. its the same feeling I get when I have somthing around my neck be it a semi-tight shirt coller, neckless, TK's Legs cause he thinks Daddys neck is a Pony and my nose is the reins, etc.... It feels like im being chocked. I get the same feeling no matter how much I eat, be it 2 pieces of toast all the way to 3 plates at a buffet. Also when I first wake up in the morning im congested and feel like im being chocked as well, and when I say every morning, I mean every morning for almost 6 years I have woke up congested.(11 years now. Congested isn't the word. Thick Mucus build up on my throat... likely from the damage my Acid reflex has caused)
Mental Issues: Where do you want me to start...
Day Terrors, vissions, etc... When Karen is heading out the door and she begins to tell me step by step what she is doing, where she is going, how long she is going to be I try to shush her as soon as I can. and this is why. Anytime somthing is said be it going to sthe store, lets take TK to the park, whatever.
Examples: at this point in the letter I give two detailed Triggers and Day terror associated with it. even though I have labeled this Blog as Adult I'm not ready to be that graphic in here. so instead I will give a better explanation to what I view is a Day Terror.
When a Day Terror is triggered it comes in three forms.
the first is the basic Day Terror. my eyes blink as my Subconscious paints a very vivid scene. most the time its car wrecks and the such. its as vivid as TV(HD even) and comes from a 3rd person view as if I'm overlooking it, again much like TV. unlike TV I can feel the heat/cold of the event, and even in some cases the smells. Burnt rubber, gasoline fire, sulphur, etc... this form of day terror lasts for a few seconds but feels like minutes have passed.
the second form of Day terror is much like the above but 'wig out' for almost a minute and the 'event' feels more like hours have passed watching the event.
with these first two triggered events I'm aware its not real, and the time lapse is obvious once the event is over. (save for one case were I lost from 3am-3:25am Friday morning April 3rd(?))
the third kind of Triggered event is a Panic attack. this is not mental but is physical. my heart races, I cant breath, my body shuts down for 3-4 seconds, to 1 minute... the shorter ones don't need a Trigger and just tend to happen a few times a day.
rarely I have a Panic attack AND a Day Terror at the same time. when it does happen it sticks with me for a while.
Mental Issues: Where do you want me to start...
Day Terrors, vissions, etc... When Karen is heading out the door and she begins to tell me step by step what she is doing, where she is going, how long she is going to be I try to shush her as soon as I can. and this is why. Anytime somthing is said be it going to sthe store, lets take TK to the park, whatever.
Examples: at this point in the letter I give two detailed Triggers and Day terror associated with it. even though I have labeled this Blog as Adult I'm not ready to be that graphic in here. so instead I will give a better explanation to what I view is a Day Terror.
When a Day Terror is triggered it comes in three forms.
the first is the basic Day Terror. my eyes blink as my Subconscious paints a very vivid scene. most the time its car wrecks and the such. its as vivid as TV(HD even) and comes from a 3rd person view as if I'm overlooking it, again much like TV. unlike TV I can feel the heat/cold of the event, and even in some cases the smells. Burnt rubber, gasoline fire, sulphur, etc... this form of day terror lasts for a few seconds but feels like minutes have passed.
the second form of Day terror is much like the above but 'wig out' for almost a minute and the 'event' feels more like hours have passed watching the event.
with these first two triggered events I'm aware its not real, and the time lapse is obvious once the event is over. (save for one case were I lost from 3am-3:25am Friday morning April 3rd(?))
the third kind of Triggered event is a Panic attack. this is not mental but is physical. my heart races, I cant breath, my body shuts down for 3-4 seconds, to 1 minute... the shorter ones don't need a Trigger and just tend to happen a few times a day.
rarely I have a Panic attack AND a Day Terror at the same time. when it does happen it sticks with me for a while.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Letter to my Family: Diagnosis Part 1
the Following is a Letter I wrote to my mom, Karen, and Karen's mom on October 16th 2004. with footnotes.
Then = Blue
Now = Green
Well ladies, brace yourself...
A while back I went to the doctor and when asked whats wrong I basicly went into bullshit mode. "Are you depressed?" Nope, happy as a clam. "Whats wrong?" just some mild headaches and a pinch of acid reflex, etc...
But I realized that this wasn't going to help me with the dooming feelings, BAD headaches, Horrid stomache issues, etc... so like I outlined to Deb(my mother in law), and my mom before. im going to write down what is illing me so that the ladies i live with, and my mom can truely understand whats wrong so that maybe I will be able to do somthing about it, alone or with help.
Before we get started I want to apolagize ahead of time for my poor spelling and grammer...(all of which Ive left in the original letter to illustrate that flaw as well.)
first on the list are my headaches. ive been having them since before I went to AZ which I think was around the 4th grade. I remever the first one quite vividly. Im sitting in grandmas basment on innes ave. I was using an old coffee table as a Desk, cutting up pappers making toy space ships and such with paper when around my eyes start to tingle and it feels like ice picks are being jabbed into my temples. at that time they werent very frenquint. around the 6th and 7th grade they were almost non-stop but the bad ones only hit about once a month. now I have them about once a week. symptoms are always the same. Face tingles around my eyes and mouth, an hour or so later im in a full blown migrane. sound is bad and light is unbearable. after 2-8 hours I vomet once or twice and like that the headache is gone.
Along with my headaches(the constant ones), I feel hot, not like its hot outside hot more like hot to the touch or feverish which gets better or worse depending on the mild headaches at the time. the worse the headache the hotter I feel. on a side note severl people over the past 10+ years have all said that I dont feel hot to them. all in my head maybe? well on a side note when my "mild headaches" get nearly as bad as a full blown migrane a cool shower is all I need to feel better in most cases.
Now that I look back that is total gibberish. I will try to explain the last part in a way that is easier to understand and thanks to FireFox spell checker easier to read.
I have Migraines about once a week. these are intense and cause all of my senses to be over active and cause me great pain. the only thing that helps is locking myself in a pitch black room with no noise.
I also have mild headaches that are 24/7. these are dull Tension headache that has the added symptom of feeling feverish. Cool showers work on two fronts. Showers are calming, and the cool water makes the feverish feeling dissipate.
Then = Blue
Now = Green
Well ladies, brace yourself...
A while back I went to the doctor and when asked whats wrong I basicly went into bullshit mode. "Are you depressed?" Nope, happy as a clam. "Whats wrong?" just some mild headaches and a pinch of acid reflex, etc...
But I realized that this wasn't going to help me with the dooming feelings, BAD headaches, Horrid stomache issues, etc... so like I outlined to Deb(my mother in law), and my mom before. im going to write down what is illing me so that the ladies i live with, and my mom can truely understand whats wrong so that maybe I will be able to do somthing about it, alone or with help.
Before we get started I want to apolagize ahead of time for my poor spelling and grammer...(all of which Ive left in the original letter to illustrate that flaw as well.)
first on the list are my headaches. ive been having them since before I went to AZ which I think was around the 4th grade. I remever the first one quite vividly. Im sitting in grandmas basment on innes ave. I was using an old coffee table as a Desk, cutting up pappers making toy space ships and such with paper when around my eyes start to tingle and it feels like ice picks are being jabbed into my temples. at that time they werent very frenquint. around the 6th and 7th grade they were almost non-stop but the bad ones only hit about once a month. now I have them about once a week. symptoms are always the same. Face tingles around my eyes and mouth, an hour or so later im in a full blown migrane. sound is bad and light is unbearable. after 2-8 hours I vomet once or twice and like that the headache is gone.
Along with my headaches(the constant ones), I feel hot, not like its hot outside hot more like hot to the touch or feverish which gets better or worse depending on the mild headaches at the time. the worse the headache the hotter I feel. on a side note severl people over the past 10+ years have all said that I dont feel hot to them. all in my head maybe? well on a side note when my "mild headaches" get nearly as bad as a full blown migrane a cool shower is all I need to feel better in most cases.
Now that I look back that is total gibberish. I will try to explain the last part in a way that is easier to understand and thanks to FireFox spell checker easier to read.
I have Migraines about once a week. these are intense and cause all of my senses to be over active and cause me great pain. the only thing that helps is locking myself in a pitch black room with no noise.
I also have mild headaches that are 24/7. these are dull Tension headache that has the added symptom of feeling feverish. Cool showers work on two fronts. Showers are calming, and the cool water makes the feverish feeling dissipate.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Games #2
Magic...
the root cause of Pink.
I was working at a Burgerking as a young teenager and my ride home wasnt reliable. I had much time to wander around 'old' hilliard. this is when I discoverd a Comic Shop tucked away on a back ally called SHOCC Comics.
it wasnt long before I had a 125 doller a month 'pull'(thats where they set aside comics for people before they hit the 'news stand').
well one day I came in to get my pull for the week and Dave had somthing 'new' he had just snagged from Cali...
M;tG beta. 3-4 guys were standing around the box. one of them would hand dave 2 bucks, open a pack and then the gys would divide the cards after a few more BIGGER money exchanges. I handed dave 2 bucks and a few seconds later 4 guys including the owner were in a bid war agenst each other for my black lotus. the winner got the card for 75 bucks and I was an asshole and broke ettiqute... I but the last half of the box he had open and the entire box he had unopend... I walked out with the unopend box of wax packs, my comics for the week, and was 100 bucks richer then I was when I walked in...
over the next few weeks id go over Dave's head to find my own sources of cards. he was one of the only dealers in ohio that carried them and WotC(the game comp that made them) was starting to pump out sets...
a few Tournys, events, cons, etc... later I was getting burned out. I missed playing for fun so...
3-4 months later I was playing in duels and group games at the Guard tower every friday night. the tower closed at 10 but we played till midnight, one of the perks of having a store owner as a peer.
one night he closed up shop early and about 12 of us were bummed. one of the guys perked up and said he knew a coffee shop called Insomnia we could play at...
we drove to campus, 13th and high... this place was Raw. Nothing I had ever seen. Slut collage girls, Bums, Gutter punks, Goths(OMG Im not the only one...), etc...
we played untill 7am that first night, and after that we only went to the guard tower to buy more cards.
the root cause of Pink.
I was working at a Burgerking as a young teenager and my ride home wasnt reliable. I had much time to wander around 'old' hilliard. this is when I discoverd a Comic Shop tucked away on a back ally called SHOCC Comics.
it wasnt long before I had a 125 doller a month 'pull'(thats where they set aside comics for people before they hit the 'news stand').
well one day I came in to get my pull for the week and Dave had somthing 'new' he had just snagged from Cali...
M;tG beta. 3-4 guys were standing around the box. one of them would hand dave 2 bucks, open a pack and then the gys would divide the cards after a few more BIGGER money exchanges. I handed dave 2 bucks and a few seconds later 4 guys including the owner were in a bid war agenst each other for my black lotus. the winner got the card for 75 bucks and I was an asshole and broke ettiqute... I but the last half of the box he had open and the entire box he had unopend... I walked out with the unopend box of wax packs, my comics for the week, and was 100 bucks richer then I was when I walked in...
over the next few weeks id go over Dave's head to find my own sources of cards. he was one of the only dealers in ohio that carried them and WotC(the game comp that made them) was starting to pump out sets...
a few Tournys, events, cons, etc... later I was getting burned out. I missed playing for fun so...
3-4 months later I was playing in duels and group games at the Guard tower every friday night. the tower closed at 10 but we played till midnight, one of the perks of having a store owner as a peer.
one night he closed up shop early and about 12 of us were bummed. one of the guys perked up and said he knew a coffee shop called Insomnia we could play at...
we drove to campus, 13th and high... this place was Raw. Nothing I had ever seen. Slut collage girls, Bums, Gutter punks, Goths(OMG Im not the only one...), etc...
we played untill 7am that first night, and after that we only went to the guard tower to buy more cards.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
“Tell me who’s your Lover and I’ll tell you who you are.”
this is an old Proverb that has been abused a few times.
it can also read;“Tell me who’s your friend and I’ll tell you who you are.”
so I'm going to delve into the friends of my past and my lovers. in detail... this by the way is one of the reasons that I made this blog 'adult'.
lets start with my very first, Girl friend. her grand parents lived next door to my grand parents.
Her name was Jennifer and she played house like no other. she was a Red head, taller then me, 1 year older, and she was bossy as hell.
When I went to live with my Dad(4th-5th grade me thinks) I lost contact with her... never heard from her again.
I have a lot of fond memories of the little red headed girl from across the way.
the one that I think holds the most significance is us on other side of the fence... laying on the ground looking up at the clouds, pulling grapes right of the vine that her grandfather grew along the back fence. we were talking about what we seen in the clouds. one of the first time I realized I was nothing like the other kids. she was seeing rabbits, Ducks, and Abe Lincoln... that was three different clouds. I was seeing dozens of things out of the first cloud. but I only told her one of them... "I see you..." she squeezed my hand tighter and we went back to our game. I was maybe 8-9 years old.
it can also read;“Tell me who’s your friend and I’ll tell you who you are.”
so I'm going to delve into the friends of my past and my lovers. in detail... this by the way is one of the reasons that I made this blog 'adult'.
lets start with my very first, Girl friend. her grand parents lived next door to my grand parents.
Her name was Jennifer and she played house like no other. she was a Red head, taller then me, 1 year older, and she was bossy as hell.
When I went to live with my Dad(4th-5th grade me thinks) I lost contact with her... never heard from her again.
I have a lot of fond memories of the little red headed girl from across the way.
the one that I think holds the most significance is us on other side of the fence... laying on the ground looking up at the clouds, pulling grapes right of the vine that her grandfather grew along the back fence. we were talking about what we seen in the clouds. one of the first time I realized I was nothing like the other kids. she was seeing rabbits, Ducks, and Abe Lincoln... that was three different clouds. I was seeing dozens of things out of the first cloud. but I only told her one of them... "I see you..." she squeezed my hand tighter and we went back to our game. I was maybe 8-9 years old.
Games reminded me of a Name.
During the Time that I went by Pink, I also went by Burnboy.
there were a few reasons I earned this Prestigious title.
During my time as a Magic player I focused on the Color Red. I was Obsessed with it.
out of the five colors of Magic Red signified Fire. Raw, brutal, unrelenting fire.
in massive group games I did my job well if I was the second person to die. I would Melt one person and the rest would gang up on me knowing if I regained my strength anyone of them was instantly next.
Ratman and his Roomate both were also obsessed with Magic and the anchors for most of our massive group games... anyway, they had a conversation about me once that they never realized I could hear... I have a nack for being able to cut blue noise to here conversations in crowded rooms, or in this case a packed Coffee house. anyway... they were talking about me and it went somthing like this.
"Ive never seen anyone play like he does..."
"yes but our lil burnboy has one weakness, fires that burn the brightest, burn out the fastest."
"I can see that, he plays like he does..."
I figured what they ment by that was simple. I have a ton of energy in bursts, but the more intensly I attack/react the quicker Im drained.
It was a fitting Nickname and it even stuck at the DCI tournys.
there were a few reasons I earned this Prestigious title.
During my time as a Magic player I focused on the Color Red. I was Obsessed with it.
out of the five colors of Magic Red signified Fire. Raw, brutal, unrelenting fire.
in massive group games I did my job well if I was the second person to die. I would Melt one person and the rest would gang up on me knowing if I regained my strength anyone of them was instantly next.
Ratman and his Roomate both were also obsessed with Magic and the anchors for most of our massive group games... anyway, they had a conversation about me once that they never realized I could hear... I have a nack for being able to cut blue noise to here conversations in crowded rooms, or in this case a packed Coffee house. anyway... they were talking about me and it went somthing like this.
"Ive never seen anyone play like he does..."
"yes but our lil burnboy has one weakness, fires that burn the brightest, burn out the fastest."
"I can see that, he plays like he does..."
I figured what they ment by that was simple. I have a ton of energy in bursts, but the more intensly I attack/react the quicker Im drained.
It was a fitting Nickname and it even stuck at the DCI tournys.
Im walking on Egg Shells
again this may seem out of place, this isnt the place for the modern quite yet but here goes anyway...
a few weeks ago things seemed great. Karen was acting Giddy around me, we were having allot of lil Us moments, etc...
she even at one point corned me as I cam down stairs and told me what she told you guys(meaning her blogs followers), mostly in jest but with a serious undertone.
I thought things were doing good, a few rough spots here and there but good as a whole.
forward to now. She is talking about how we could feasibly split. the phrase 'open relationship' has been thrown out there. she has made jokes about if it wasn't for me should would be a slut, her words seemed thankful but her tone sounded bitter.
I made comment that it didnt hafta be tiring, and we could strive for happiness but she threw it back at me "Then Prove me wrong". So it rests on my shoulders to make this marriage work?
I love this woman very much, but I hafta wonder... Am I going to hafta go through this every time someone shows her affection? she said 2 months back that me paranoia and Jealousy were getting tiresome... but lets look at things from my point of view. she brakes up with Brandon to be with me, she broke it off with me to be with Andrew, Andrew becomes black(theory) and she comes back to me, and now Theo comes into the Picture as an 'option' and she uses words like split, Separate, and Divorce more in 3 days then she has in 2 years...
She wont stop talking about how she Destroyed a good friendship to protect our marriage, acting like she is pissed at ME because she has to protect her marriage because its the right thing to do.
I spend my days doing the best I can to take care of our Children, half of the time when im 'mean' to her its me trying to protect the kids from her BPD/Mood Swings. most of the rest of the time im trying to protect myself.
and now im cornered again... Walking on Egg shells.
im sorry if this post seems to 'dart' from one point to the next, or not make sense at all... Im trying very hard to keep myself together and think rational. both in this post and in life. Im failing...
a few weeks ago things seemed great. Karen was acting Giddy around me, we were having allot of lil Us moments, etc...
she even at one point corned me as I cam down stairs and told me what she told you guys(meaning her blogs followers), mostly in jest but with a serious undertone.
Most kids from broken homes end up getting divorced later in life. Both Pat and I are from broken homes. Twice over, actually. That puts the odds against us. But I've decided, for our kids and their future kids, I'm ending that cycle. Pat and I will do whatever it takes to make this happen. Or I'll die trying. Hehe. Get it? Till death do we part? Die trying to make it work? Get it? Ok.
I thought things were doing good, a few rough spots here and there but good as a whole.
forward to now. She is talking about how we could feasibly split. the phrase 'open relationship' has been thrown out there. she has made jokes about if it wasn't for me should would be a slut, her words seemed thankful but her tone sounded bitter.
or we'll fight for this until the day we die... worn out, bitter, but together.
I made comment that it didnt hafta be tiring, and we could strive for happiness but she threw it back at me "Then Prove me wrong". So it rests on my shoulders to make this marriage work?
I love this woman very much, but I hafta wonder... Am I going to hafta go through this every time someone shows her affection? she said 2 months back that me paranoia and Jealousy were getting tiresome... but lets look at things from my point of view. she brakes up with Brandon to be with me, she broke it off with me to be with Andrew, Andrew becomes black(theory) and she comes back to me, and now Theo comes into the Picture as an 'option' and she uses words like split, Separate, and Divorce more in 3 days then she has in 2 years...
She wont stop talking about how she Destroyed a good friendship to protect our marriage, acting like she is pissed at ME because she has to protect her marriage because its the right thing to do.
I spend my days doing the best I can to take care of our Children, half of the time when im 'mean' to her its me trying to protect the kids from her BPD/Mood Swings. most of the rest of the time im trying to protect myself.
and now im cornered again... Walking on Egg shells.
im sorry if this post seems to 'dart' from one point to the next, or not make sense at all... Im trying very hard to keep myself together and think rational. both in this post and in life. Im failing...
Games
Games, where do I even begin...
It was the winter of 1986, my mom, grandma, Step Father, etc... thought it would be Funny to Wake US up at 4am Christmas day to get even with me(10 years old), and my Sister(6)...
Santa had brought the best gift I had ever gotten and from a material point of view still holds the throne...
Was an 8-bit NES with Zelda(Gold cartridge), Mario/Duck Hunt, Metroid... and a 19 inch Color TV for my room. I beat Zelda before new years eve.
Nintendo became my new obsession. Id come home from school and would disappear for hours. I would beat games and Trade them to friends, beat those games and trade back before my mom knew I was passing games around... in 1992 I got a SNES and it was nearly as bad.
in 1993 I discovered D&D and Comic books... the books for the second time. I had found Ron's Stash of Comics and Porno mags before Nintendo came into the picture.
then in 1994 I discoverd Magic;the Gathering.
my life was Video Games, RPG's, CCG's, Comic books, and movies... School? bah... who needs it. I could ignore everything and a week before the last day of school id Pull passing grades out of my ass.
Friends? Bah... who needs them. well other then to trade Comics and cartridges with...
in 1996'ish I found Computers, 1997 Diablo. then Came Starcraft, then EQ1, AO, and Finally WoW... I have spent more of my life playing Games then I have Sleeping.
So, as far as the Question about Who am I... we can for sure, and with out a Doubt put a Check mark next to "Gamer"
It was the winter of 1986, my mom, grandma, Step Father, etc... thought it would be Funny to Wake US up at 4am Christmas day to get even with me(10 years old), and my Sister(6)...
Santa had brought the best gift I had ever gotten and from a material point of view still holds the throne...
Was an 8-bit NES with Zelda(Gold cartridge), Mario/Duck Hunt, Metroid... and a 19 inch Color TV for my room. I beat Zelda before new years eve.
Nintendo became my new obsession. Id come home from school and would disappear for hours. I would beat games and Trade them to friends, beat those games and trade back before my mom knew I was passing games around... in 1992 I got a SNES and it was nearly as bad.
in 1993 I discovered D&D and Comic books... the books for the second time. I had found Ron's Stash of Comics and Porno mags before Nintendo came into the picture.
then in 1994 I discoverd Magic;the Gathering.
my life was Video Games, RPG's, CCG's, Comic books, and movies... School? bah... who needs it. I could ignore everything and a week before the last day of school id Pull passing grades out of my ass.
Friends? Bah... who needs them. well other then to trade Comics and cartridges with...
in 1996'ish I found Computers, 1997 Diablo. then Came Starcraft, then EQ1, AO, and Finally WoW... I have spent more of my life playing Games then I have Sleeping.
So, as far as the Question about Who am I... we can for sure, and with out a Doubt put a Check mark next to "Gamer"
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Whats in a Name?
Ive used many names over the years... Street names, User names, Serious combos of my real name... So who am I? does the name matter?
William: my first name... this name alone comes with a half dozen nick name possibilities and Ive used and abused most of them. Will, Willy, Bill, Billy, Willy-P, etc...
But there were ALLOT of Williams in my family so I was given the nick name Patrick by my kin.
Patrick: the Middle name... this Also Brings Pat into the Equation.
Pat: I remember the VERY First time I was Called Pat. I was on the Play ground of a Kindercare in Arizona. I was at least 5 years old but no more then 7... I was on the top of a Wooden wall that was a part of a giant wooden slide, swing, thing... I was being dared to jump off. the kid that was taunting me the most was making rhymes with my name... and Patty Patty Patty was a part of his Current Chant... he was on the third Patty but all he got out of his mouth was Pat as I LANDED ON HIM... "Just Pat works for me tee hee". I also remember Nap time came early that day.
Marrs: that's my slave name... my real name is... Sir Bob of Booville
Mars: it took an Annoying Surname that led to much MUCH teasing and ridicule and made it just a pinch cooler...
Morris: this is a true Story... when I lived in Hilliard Ohio I had an Old teacher named Mrs Gurshbocker(not sure the spelling anymore). she would commonly mistake Marrs for Morris on Rosters and Such. the joke there is a Family of Hoodlums from her younger years had left an impression on her and she associated me with them. I was proud of this fact but then again the Antics of Billy, Johnny, Charlie, etc... were of Hilliard legend. I may or may not have told more then one Cop my name was William Morrisen(Billy for short). this will either make my moms blood boil or make her laugh uncontrollably when/if she ever reads this.
now for the E-Names, Street names, etc...
Rastlin: this was the First user name I used. it was on yahoo forums back when they were the rage, BBS boards, B.Net, etc... at the age of 13'ish I started comparing myself to the character Raistlin from the Dragonlance series. he was VERY powerful but at the same time VERY weak. an Oxy Moron... I could relate.
Midgard/Jormungand: Norse Mythos... the cursed son of Loki. punished for his fathers crimes and his own Gluttony. as a Fat Kid with no father figure and the task of holding his family together. again I could relate.
Paw/Papaw: I always seen myself as older then I was. I have had a reoccurring Character in the Games Ive played... the Grizzled old man, "GET THE FUCK OFF MY LAWN" *Click Click*
Ummaguma/Øgre/Trecx: I clumped these Three names together because they have the same meaning to me... Its a part of me that's the Big Teddy bear, To dumb and Innocent to realize what a threat he is and why people hate him.
Rosered: there are a few versions of the Brother's Grimm Story with Rose as a lead character. the main version was Snow White & Rose Red. how this Persona became the avatar of my Feminine side I'm not 100% sure... but it had something to do with Acid, Pink Floyd, and the ungrateful Dwarf... AKA:Papaw
Vulpin: the First Vulpin was a Cat man... Vulpin Purrversion. Vulpin is my Apathetic self. Omnipotent but all he wants is to be left alone. peace and quiet.
Ixie: this name will have a post of its own some day. for now I'm going to leave it at "Ixie the Pixie"
The list goes on...
Devilbear, Causes, Street, Red, Doc, Reverend R-ox, and this comes to the one that is the one that has the most importance as far as figuring out who I am...
Pink: Its not just a nick name. it could easily be the title for an era in my life...
It was my Street name for a long time. mainly because of my obsession with The Wall, Pink Floyd, the lifestyle, the lie... the wall I built that Liz Tore down.
Pink, its not just my favorite Color...
Pink it's my new obsession
Pink it's not even a question,
Pink on the lips of your lover, 'cause
Pink is the love you discover
Pink as the bing on your cherry
Pink 'cause you are so very
Pink it's the color of passion
'Cause today it just goes with the fashion
Pink it was love at first sight
Pink when I turn out the light, and
Pink gets me high as a kite
And I think everything is going to be all right
No matter what we do tonight
You could be my flamingo
'Coz pink is the new kinda lingo
Pink like a deco umbrella
It's kink - but you don't ever tell her
Pink it was love at first sight, and
Pink when I turn out the light
Pink gets me high as a kite
And I think everything is going to be all right
No matter what we do tonight
I want to be your lover
I wanna wrap you in rubber
As pink as the sheets that we lay on
Pink it's my favorite crayon, yeah
Pink it was love at first sight
Pink when I turn out the light
Pink it's like red but not quite
And I think everything is going to be all right
No matter what we do tonight
so, whats in a name? I have a Feeling; Everything...
William: my first name... this name alone comes with a half dozen nick name possibilities and Ive used and abused most of them. Will, Willy, Bill, Billy, Willy-P, etc...
But there were ALLOT of Williams in my family so I was given the nick name Patrick by my kin.
Patrick: the Middle name... this Also Brings Pat into the Equation.
Pat: I remember the VERY First time I was Called Pat. I was on the Play ground of a Kindercare in Arizona. I was at least 5 years old but no more then 7... I was on the top of a Wooden wall that was a part of a giant wooden slide, swing, thing... I was being dared to jump off. the kid that was taunting me the most was making rhymes with my name... and Patty Patty Patty was a part of his Current Chant... he was on the third Patty but all he got out of his mouth was Pat as I LANDED ON HIM... "Just Pat works for me tee hee". I also remember Nap time came early that day.
Marrs: that's my slave name... my real name is... Sir Bob of Booville
Mars: it took an Annoying Surname that led to much MUCH teasing and ridicule and made it just a pinch cooler...
Morris: this is a true Story... when I lived in Hilliard Ohio I had an Old teacher named Mrs Gurshbocker(not sure the spelling anymore). she would commonly mistake Marrs for Morris on Rosters and Such. the joke there is a Family of Hoodlums from her younger years had left an impression on her and she associated me with them. I was proud of this fact but then again the Antics of Billy, Johnny, Charlie, etc... were of Hilliard legend. I may or may not have told more then one Cop my name was William Morrisen(Billy for short). this will either make my moms blood boil or make her laugh uncontrollably when/if she ever reads this.
now for the E-Names, Street names, etc...
Rastlin: this was the First user name I used. it was on yahoo forums back when they were the rage, BBS boards, B.Net, etc... at the age of 13'ish I started comparing myself to the character Raistlin from the Dragonlance series. he was VERY powerful but at the same time VERY weak. an Oxy Moron... I could relate.
Midgard/Jormungand: Norse Mythos... the cursed son of Loki. punished for his fathers crimes and his own Gluttony. as a Fat Kid with no father figure and the task of holding his family together. again I could relate.
Paw/Papaw: I always seen myself as older then I was. I have had a reoccurring Character in the Games Ive played... the Grizzled old man, "GET THE FUCK OFF MY LAWN" *Click Click*
Ummaguma/Øgre/Trecx: I clumped these Three names together because they have the same meaning to me... Its a part of me that's the Big Teddy bear, To dumb and Innocent to realize what a threat he is and why people hate him.
Rosered: there are a few versions of the Brother's Grimm Story with Rose as a lead character. the main version was Snow White & Rose Red. how this Persona became the avatar of my Feminine side I'm not 100% sure... but it had something to do with Acid, Pink Floyd, and the ungrateful Dwarf... AKA:Papaw
Vulpin: the First Vulpin was a Cat man... Vulpin Purrversion. Vulpin is my Apathetic self. Omnipotent but all he wants is to be left alone. peace and quiet.
Ixie: this name will have a post of its own some day. for now I'm going to leave it at "Ixie the Pixie"
The list goes on...
Devilbear, Causes, Street, Red, Doc, Reverend R-ox, and this comes to the one that is the one that has the most importance as far as figuring out who I am...
Pink: Its not just a nick name. it could easily be the title for an era in my life...
"as sad as this is I can mark the time I gained this 'armor' based on the women I had entered my life but I'm certain she wasn't the cause...
I can also mark when I lost this 'armor' based on the woman I had lost... and she may very well be the reason that my feeling of invincibility is gone."
It was my Street name for a long time. mainly because of my obsession with The Wall, Pink Floyd, the lifestyle, the lie... the wall I built that Liz Tore down.
Pink, its not just my favorite Color...
Pink it's my new obsession
Pink it's not even a question,
Pink on the lips of your lover, 'cause
Pink is the love you discover
Pink as the bing on your cherry
Pink 'cause you are so very
Pink it's the color of passion
'Cause today it just goes with the fashion
Pink it was love at first sight
Pink when I turn out the light, and
Pink gets me high as a kite
And I think everything is going to be all right
No matter what we do tonight
You could be my flamingo
'Coz pink is the new kinda lingo
Pink like a deco umbrella
It's kink - but you don't ever tell her
Pink it was love at first sight, and
Pink when I turn out the light
Pink gets me high as a kite
And I think everything is going to be all right
No matter what we do tonight
I want to be your lover
I wanna wrap you in rubber
As pink as the sheets that we lay on
Pink it's my favorite crayon, yeah
Pink it was love at first sight
Pink when I turn out the light
Pink it's like red but not quite
And I think everything is going to be all right
No matter what we do tonight
so, whats in a name? I have a Feeling; Everything...
Black Knight
This post is going to seem somewhat out of place at first but I will explain it better in the future.
This is a Response to a Post on my wife's Blog.
7 years ago I thought I was a White Knight, rescuing my princess from the clutches of an evil evil man...
I was dead wrong.
I was no better at the time then 'him'.
to this day I feel guilty for how my Wife and I took a strong friendship and made it into a marriage.
don't get me wrong, he was an asshole... he didn't deserve her in any way shape or form.
in her own words though, She is Difficult and no man(or woman) will ever be able to make her completely Happy. though I will do my damnedest to prove myself wrong...
he was mean to her, he told her to shut up often, at times acted like he wanted to hit her, and has rumored to have cheated on her.
for years I felt good about taking her from him. Then she got a finale Diagnoses of BPD. how much of his behavior was based on frustration with her illness. unwittingly they were both to blame. not just him.
He and I are the same. we are both assholes, we are both mean to her when she doesn't deserve it or cant help the behavior that triggers our animosity, and we were both Black Knights Disguised as White Knights. did he target her on purpose for that reason. I doubt he was that smart... or maybe he did but was just trying to pray on her youth and inexperience and found easier pray then he expected, or maybe just maybe he fell blindly in love with her the Second her saw her like I did... I doubt it, I seen his pr0n collection and she isn't drawn from ink(though a work of art she may well be).
this brings us to modern day.
we have been married by some miracle for 6 years now. we go through periods of total dismay followed by total bliss. at this moment we are both miserable but for me it has nothing to do with us save for the guilt that comes from being paranoid of every man that looks at her. I fear black knights dressed in white satin.
I have a feeling, an idea that a lot of whats wrong with her is a combination of Meds and me. she is trying new meds and the roller coaster that comes with it is obviously taking its tole. Add in the fact that her husband is falling further down the spiral, has declining health, is obviously jelouse to an extreme, etc... she is a wreck too...
This make my health even worse. Seeing me as a Liability has her looking for easy outs. Im not saying that to be mean but its true. when somthing seems like more work then its worth a person with BPD will Tackle it 100% or Run away...
Why did the Chicken Cross the road?
The foliage on the other side of the road reflected light of a slightly greater wavelength (515nm v 510nm).
seems like we are bad for each other doesnt it? but thats the catch 22... when she is in a good place, im in a good place, and we are both happy... I feel safety I have never felt before in another human beings arms. I know its cliche but she is truely the Yin to my Yang. she completes me. so I fight on, even if it doesnt look like im fighting... Its actually those times IM Fighting the Hardest.
some times the fight is inside myself... part of me has given up, and another part of me is dragging the Dead Wheight forward. Refusing to give up. Refusing to let either of our mental Issues win... not even by an inch.
This is a Response to a Post on my wife's Blog.
7 years ago I thought I was a White Knight, rescuing my princess from the clutches of an evil evil man...
I was dead wrong.
I was no better at the time then 'him'.
to this day I feel guilty for how my Wife and I took a strong friendship and made it into a marriage.
don't get me wrong, he was an asshole... he didn't deserve her in any way shape or form.
in her own words though, She is Difficult and no man(or woman) will ever be able to make her completely Happy. though I will do my damnedest to prove myself wrong...
he was mean to her, he told her to shut up often, at times acted like he wanted to hit her, and has rumored to have cheated on her.
for years I felt good about taking her from him. Then she got a finale Diagnoses of BPD. how much of his behavior was based on frustration with her illness. unwittingly they were both to blame. not just him.
He and I are the same. we are both assholes, we are both mean to her when she doesn't deserve it or cant help the behavior that triggers our animosity, and we were both Black Knights Disguised as White Knights. did he target her on purpose for that reason. I doubt he was that smart... or maybe he did but was just trying to pray on her youth and inexperience and found easier pray then he expected, or maybe just maybe he fell blindly in love with her the Second her saw her like I did... I doubt it, I seen his pr0n collection and she isn't drawn from ink(though a work of art she may well be).
this brings us to modern day.
we have been married by some miracle for 6 years now. we go through periods of total dismay followed by total bliss. at this moment we are both miserable but for me it has nothing to do with us save for the guilt that comes from being paranoid of every man that looks at her. I fear black knights dressed in white satin.
I have a feeling, an idea that a lot of whats wrong with her is a combination of Meds and me. she is trying new meds and the roller coaster that comes with it is obviously taking its tole. Add in the fact that her husband is falling further down the spiral, has declining health, is obviously jelouse to an extreme, etc... she is a wreck too...
This make my health even worse. Seeing me as a Liability has her looking for easy outs. Im not saying that to be mean but its true. when somthing seems like more work then its worth a person with BPD will Tackle it 100% or Run away...
Why did the Chicken Cross the road?
The foliage on the other side of the road reflected light of a slightly greater wavelength (515nm v 510nm).
seems like we are bad for each other doesnt it? but thats the catch 22... when she is in a good place, im in a good place, and we are both happy... I feel safety I have never felt before in another human beings arms. I know its cliche but she is truely the Yin to my Yang. she completes me. so I fight on, even if it doesnt look like im fighting... Its actually those times IM Fighting the Hardest.
some times the fight is inside myself... part of me has given up, and another part of me is dragging the Dead Wheight forward. Refusing to give up. Refusing to let either of our mental Issues win... not even by an inch.
Sleep
Lets touch base on one of the why's...
If I was to go to bed at 8pm id spend 4-7 hours tossing about worrying about life, money, love, death, god, death, sex, etc...
If I go to bed at Midnight(my norm) I only spend an hour or two 'thinking'.
Long story short, my anxiety is causing mild insomnia.
but how did I get so anxious. or how did I become anxious again is a better question...
I remember a time when I was worried about everything as a child. and I remember a time in my lat teens early twenties when I though I was invincible and money be damned... I don't need it.
as sad as this is I can mark the time I gained this 'armor' based on the women I had entered my life but I'm certain she wasnt the cause...
I can also mark when I lost this 'armor' based on the woman I had lost... and she may very well be the reason that my feeling of invincability is gone.
and I now bring you to a common theme that will occur in my Blog... the derailment of a thought.
Why Cant I sleep at night...
If I was to go to bed at 8pm id spend 4-7 hours tossing about worrying about life, money, love, death, god, death, sex, etc...
If I go to bed at Midnight(my norm) I only spend an hour or two 'thinking'.
Long story short, my anxiety is causing mild insomnia.
but how did I get so anxious. or how did I become anxious again is a better question...
I remember a time when I was worried about everything as a child. and I remember a time in my lat teens early twenties when I though I was invincible and money be damned... I don't need it.
as sad as this is I can mark the time I gained this 'armor' based on the women I had entered my life but I'm certain she wasnt the cause...
I can also mark when I lost this 'armor' based on the woman I had lost... and she may very well be the reason that my feeling of invincability is gone.
and I now bring you to a common theme that will occur in my Blog... the derailment of a thought.
Why...
The eternal Question.
Why are we here...
Why am I Unhappy...
Why Cant I sleep at night...
Why do I have Day Terrors...
Why am I so dumb...
Why am I too smart...
Why does *insert random name* Treat me like this...
Why wont *other random person(s)* leave me the fuck alone...
Why does insight keep trying to sell my phone service!?
Why is Luke Screaming with a smile on his face...
Why Cant I scream, maybe it would help the frown on mine...
Why am I even doing this project...
and why is the answer always "I Dont Know."
Why are we here...
Why am I Unhappy...
Why Cant I sleep at night...
Why do I have Day Terrors...
Why am I so dumb...
Why am I too smart...
Why does *insert random name* Treat me like this...
Why wont *other random person(s)* leave me the fuck alone...
Why does insight keep trying to sell my phone service!?
Why is Luke Screaming with a smile on his face...
Why Cant I scream, maybe it would help the frown on mine...
Why am I even doing this project...
and why is the answer always "I Dont Know."
Facts #1
Lets start with what I do know.
I'm a Husband, and the Father of two wonderful Children.
I'm also pretty Sure I'm 31 years old...
I'm a Husband, and the Father of two wonderful Children.
I'm also pretty Sure I'm 31 years old...
and... here... we... go...
I don't know who I am.
I don't know who I was.
I don't know who I want to be.
Please help me figure it out.
I don't know who I was.
I don't know who I want to be.
Please help me figure it out.
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