Black Knight

This post is going to seem somewhat out of place at first but I will explain it better in the future.

This is a Response to a Post on my wife's Blog.

7 years ago I thought I was a White Knight, rescuing my princess from the clutches of an evil evil man...

I was dead wrong.

I was no better at the time then 'him'.

to this day I feel guilty for how my Wife and I took a strong friendship and made it into a marriage.

don't get me wrong, he was an asshole... he didn't deserve her in any way shape or form.

in her own words though, She is Difficult and no man(or woman) will ever be able to make her completely Happy. though I will do my damnedest to prove myself wrong...


he was mean to her, he told her to shut up often, at times acted like he wanted to hit her, and has rumored to have cheated on her.

for years I felt good about taking her from him. Then she got a finale Diagnoses of BPD. how much of his behavior was based on frustration with her illness. unwittingly they were both to blame. not just him.

He and I are the same. we are both assholes, we are both mean to her when she doesn't deserve it or cant help the behavior that triggers our animosity, and we were both Black Knights Disguised as White Knights. did he target her on purpose for that reason. I doubt he was that smart... or maybe he did but was just trying to pray on her youth and inexperience and found easier pray then he expected, or maybe just maybe he fell blindly in love with her the Second her saw her like I did... I doubt it, I seen his pr0n collection and she isn't drawn from ink(though a work of art she may well be).

this brings us to modern day.

we have been married by some miracle for 6 years now. we go through periods of total dismay followed by total bliss. at this moment we are both miserable but for me it has nothing to do with us save for the guilt that comes from being paranoid of every man that looks at her. I fear black knights dressed in white satin.

I have a feeling, an idea that a lot of whats wrong with her is a combination of Meds and me. she is trying new meds and the roller coaster that comes with it is obviously taking its tole. Add in the fact that her husband is falling further down the spiral, has declining health, is obviously jelouse to an extreme, etc... she is a wreck too...

This make my health even worse. Seeing me as a Liability has her looking for easy outs. Im not saying that to be mean but its true. when somthing seems like more work then its worth a person with BPD will Tackle it 100% or Run away...

Why did the Chicken Cross the road?

The foliage on the other side of the road reflected light of a slightly greater wavelength (515nm v 510nm).


seems like we are bad for each other doesnt it? but thats the catch 22... when she is in a good place, im in a good place, and we are both happy... I feel safety I have never felt before in another human beings arms. I know its cliche but she is truely the Yin to my Yang. she completes me. so I fight on, even if it doesnt look like im fighting... Its actually those times IM Fighting the Hardest.

some times the fight is inside myself... part of me has given up, and another part of me is dragging the Dead Wheight forward. Refusing to give up. Refusing to let either of our mental Issues win... not even by an inch.