Injeni

January 3rd 2014, I posted this on my Facebook:

"working on my writing and realized the English language has a flaw. A flaw I vow to fix before my daughter is old enough to date... my goal is lofty I know, but I will add at least one word to the English language. It will be as versatile as "beautiful", but will be for intellect not inner/outer beauty. This will not be the last time I touch this subject..."

Three days later I would come up with the word, its currently the working title of my first planned Fantasy novel.

Injeni...   in - jee - nee...    the rime and reason I choose these syllables and this spelling are silly, simple, and will prob be my little secret for a long time. lets just say, the ogre in me picked them out.

Since then I've used the word while online gaming, on my twitter feeds, and lovingly to my wife and daughter.  the reason I'm doing it at all.  the two women closest to me are my inspiration in this. both of them are brilliant, clever, and witty.  when it comes down to it I'm a hopeless romantic, and have always been fond of using pet names. With Karen though, to compliment her greatest asset, I found that the English language was lacking in words I could use as both a pet name, and a descriptor for her Wit, intellect, etc...  and as a feminist father, I was appalled at the idea that my daughter would live in a world where her beauty may supersede her brains due to a lack of appropriate words.

 so here I am...  trying to forge a new word.  if swag and yolo have been given the light of day.  there is no reason that an injeni word like injeni, cant.

 from my wifes Injeni point of view! http://www.walkingtheborderline.com/2014/01/in-a-world/

its first publishing.  http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Injeni&defid=7529815

 

 

a-Mused

it is no coincidence that I do my best writing when Karen is around. she is my Muse after all.

what, however a-Mused me was the fact that I could have such a hard time getting a specific(and very special IMHO) part to come out right. to the point that I deleted my work on that paragraph 14 times, but after she laid down behind me to read. I was able to not only get it out, but to turn the paragraph into a page.

now I promise I will try to stop posting about how my wife makes me Gush, and get back on task, whining about how my life is horrible, as soon as its Horrible again.

yep, she is a cure all...

Karen called me around 2:30...   asked what she needed to ask, said what she needed to say...   she could tell something was wrong with me, when she asked if I was ok, I Lost control of my face.  tears started streaming and the words "no", followed by "I don't know". Ran from my mouth, like they had been waiting for that exact moment to escape.  she asked me if I wanted her to come over and I fought with myself to say yes. knowing she had homework to do.  so she brought her homework with her.  moments after she showed up at the apartment, I felt better.  just her presence. her love,  made me feel better.

The line "You complete me." is so cheesy, yet so perfect.  all week I've felt like a black hole had formed inside me and was gaining mass/energy.  When Karen showed up, she broke the laws of Astrophysics and closed said black hole.  Filling it with her love, and thus making me whole again.

she does complete me.


TL;DR - I think Karen is Swell.

No Energy

I'm Listless...

I don't want to leave my bed.

I don't want to play video games.

I don't want to Wrestle with the kids(but I still do).

I don't want to write.

I don't want to be posting this blog post.

It is almost like the only time I want to be doing anything is when Karen is around.  Is it because I'm trying to impress her, or IMHO more likely she is the cure to my current state of depression.  Either way, I need my Karen more then she needs me right now.  I understand that, but it still stings.

ugh.

Fruit Punch Kickstart wasn't enough... fighting the urge to crawl back in bed. LOSING the will to fight...

New Years Reztatution: Yeah... I'm doing one of these this year.

1. 30 minutes of writing every night, even if its 30 minutes of writing dialogue with myself about not having anything to write about. 

2. Update my blog weekly... this is writing above and beyond #1.

3. Go on 2 fancy first dates a month with Karen

 4. 350lbs

5. family mini vacation

6. pursuing my love of Astrology/Astrophysics in some way...

7. To treat Karen with the same Passion I did during the first week of us dating(both times).

Pigeons

I have anxiety issues... nay nay... Subscriptions. the best metaphor I've ever used when people catch me "Day Dreaming", "off in my own little world", or "Staring into space"... has always been; "I am trying to catch a Pigeon, but there are too many in the way." or some variation of. I'm filled with thoughts... pure chaos... I am looking at a dozen choices, with dozens of possible outcomes each... and I'm only trying to catch one thought, about one choice... and chances are that single choice is so trivial. on a good day there are a few Dozen Pigeons causing me hell... if I "Meditate" I can get them down to under a dozen or so. Today is not a good day for Anxiety. there are thousands of Pigeons... and they are angry.

friends

you were my friend when I had none.

I sat in a tiny room at my grandmothers condo, in front of my moms PC. my mother next to me snoring.  if she was on the PC id be where she was, snoring.  that day we talked on IM briefly...   later that week I decided to message you anonymously, Teddy bear 77...   that's all you knew of who it was. I knew you needed a friend, and as your friend you needed to know how smart and beautiful that Teddy Bear thought...

when I got your pictures and invite to your graduation, I was on cloud nine...   you only send that kind of thing to a friend.

we seen movies, went to the Zoo, played games...  

we talked music, talked books, and you vowed to find me someone perfect...

I made jokes about Cloning, Kidnapping, and assassins paid for in BBQ potato chips...

I tried to bribe you with back rubs and zoo animals...

for a while you stayed true to a rusty white knight who was only true to you in words, but not actions.  then came the list...   a List that today would be balanced against me. not because im untrue...  but rather because I am exhausted, old, and falling apart. 

one time in the very beginning I pushed you away...   I was overwhelmed with so many emotions.  within seconds I felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my entire life.

I fought with and against a mind that due to chemicals and/or programming was fighting against me from day one.   I've fought hard, every day. To be supportive of irrational whims. To Adapt to a woman who at her core is, was, and will always be the woman I fell in love with over a decade ago...   but at the same time was a different woman every day. a woman that one day would hang on my every word and make me feel like a million dollars, but on the next was telling me to shut up because my voice was finger nails on a chalk board.

for so long now I have blamed trust issues on so many things...  but the fact is.   it wasnt trust.  it was exhaustion.  this knight went into battle so many times...    daily, some times hourly...   other white knights were like wars...   so when you got a new friend, a new white knight.  I knew I would lose.  not because I didn't want to fight for you, but because I knew I didn't have the energy. I spent it all fighting you...  fighting for the privilege to be your friend.  I'm still fighting...  as feeble as it may seem.

everyday I do something in the name of Karen...  some times I brag about it because I want you to know, and appreciate it.  some times I don't say a word because you knowing will cause another battle I'm not equipped to fight.

I will always be your friend.  I just wish I was worth fighting for too...