friends

you were my friend when I had none.

I sat in a tiny room at my grandmothers condo, in front of my moms PC. my mother next to me snoring.  if she was on the PC id be where she was, snoring.  that day we talked on IM briefly...   later that week I decided to message you anonymously, Teddy bear 77...   that's all you knew of who it was. I knew you needed a friend, and as your friend you needed to know how smart and beautiful that Teddy Bear thought...

when I got your pictures and invite to your graduation, I was on cloud nine...   you only send that kind of thing to a friend.

we seen movies, went to the Zoo, played games...  

we talked music, talked books, and you vowed to find me someone perfect...

I made jokes about Cloning, Kidnapping, and assassins paid for in BBQ potato chips...

I tried to bribe you with back rubs and zoo animals...

for a while you stayed true to a rusty white knight who was only true to you in words, but not actions.  then came the list...   a List that today would be balanced against me. not because im untrue...  but rather because I am exhausted, old, and falling apart. 

one time in the very beginning I pushed you away...   I was overwhelmed with so many emotions.  within seconds I felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my entire life.

I fought with and against a mind that due to chemicals and/or programming was fighting against me from day one.   I've fought hard, every day. To be supportive of irrational whims. To Adapt to a woman who at her core is, was, and will always be the woman I fell in love with over a decade ago...   but at the same time was a different woman every day. a woman that one day would hang on my every word and make me feel like a million dollars, but on the next was telling me to shut up because my voice was finger nails on a chalk board.

for so long now I have blamed trust issues on so many things...  but the fact is.   it wasnt trust.  it was exhaustion.  this knight went into battle so many times...    daily, some times hourly...   other white knights were like wars...   so when you got a new friend, a new white knight.  I knew I would lose.  not because I didn't want to fight for you, but because I knew I didn't have the energy. I spent it all fighting you...  fighting for the privilege to be your friend.  I'm still fighting...  as feeble as it may seem.

everyday I do something in the name of Karen...  some times I brag about it because I want you to know, and appreciate it.  some times I don't say a word because you knowing will cause another battle I'm not equipped to fight.

I will always be your friend.  I just wish I was worth fighting for too...