5 kinds of friends...

there are five kinds of friends or so I have found...

a Friend isn't someone you follow, and they aren't someone you Lead. A Friend is someone you walk beside.

But in most cases, 4 out of 5... it takes work on your part.

Ive had very few friends that I just walked beside without effort. April, Willy, and Fritz...

Mostly if had friends I hafta tip toe next to, like walking on Eggshells. Karen, Jesse, Branden, and Erin

Some friends you hafta run with just to keep up... I haven't had many of these friends, but Ive been that friend for a few people.

Some Friends you hafta Stomp as you walk just to be noticed. Rob, Jon, etc...

and some Friends you hafta slow your own pace to accommodate them. I wont name names on this one.


this is all in all why I don't have a lot of friends. I have Bad Ankles.

Im Angry...

that's just one of my doves.

I think I've explained this once before but just to be on the safe side I will give a quick run down

when im staring into space its like I'm sitting on a park bench feeding Doves.

each Dove is a thought, a worry, a stray emotion, a fantasy, a dream, a terror, etc...

if I'm asked what I'm thinking those Doves Scatter. trying to describe one out of the chaotic flock doesn't work.

right now there are more doves then normal... hundreds of Doves pecking away.

I keep asking myself what I'm thinking and I'm struggling for answers.

First and foremost I'm dealing with a Broken heart... AGAIN.

I feel anger for the people that are hurting over this.

I'm angry at the people who got over it like it was nothing.

I'm Angry with the people, the Person that used me for a devious end.

I'm scared that person is still capable of doing harm to my life.

I'm Paranoid about every action everyone makes around me more then normal.

I'm questioning EVERYTHING that's happened between now and 12 years ago.

I'm Happy for people that have had good things happen to them in the wake up my betrayal.

I'm Paranoid about how my wife is acting, scared that being honest with her was the wrong choice.

I'm Scared of Losing my wife.

the very next Dove that crosses my line of site doesn't want to be with my wife.

I'm Happy that people affected by my insanity have gotten over it so quickly.

yes I did just counter-dict myself at least 3 times.

I want to be Happy, but its not aloud... not this time.

I'm Stuck with the cards of been delt.

and right now I wish I had used Butterflies for this metaphor because Doves move to fucking fast....

Dexter/Heroes

I was shown Dexter by Jesse... started watching it and it took the place of my games. gave me a chance to just stop thinking and absorb...

then I found Heroes... again it gave me a release.

between the two shows I've had over 90 hours of peace and quiet from the Turmoil my mind is currently going through.

I just finished the last episode of Heroes that I have at my disposal...

the noise is back, but its different. its like I have a broken heart...

Pushing

I feel the need to push people away again...

I find myself getting angry with people I love...

there is no reason for me to be angry with them, they did nothing wrong.

Im pushing them away to protect myself, and them. am I selfish? or do I just want them to be happy even though I cant be?

Lost

I feel Lost now more then ever.

Everything I thought was true is a lie, a fabrication, some form of untruth... semantics at best.

its times like these that i envy Karen's 'disorder'. to see things in Black OR white... Everything is Grey.

even though Ive had my fears of being BPD... this is the one thing that keeps me from falling down that hole.

I havent forgoten

...about you, whoever you may be.

Life has been Hectic with TK starting school, Adjusting to new games(seems trivial I'm sure.), dealing with a Karen going into a busy season after such a dry one(always a Joy, and damn near kills me every year), so on and so forth...

and this is the big one.

Fighting so Hard to figure out who I am so I know who TK is so he doesnt hafta have a soul searching blog of his own someday trying to figure out who, what, WHY, where, when, and how...

Worse Panic Attack ever.

Im driving down the road... 161 to be exact. the current speed limit is 55 miles an hour.

we are coming up on the first light past 270. its only Luke and I in the Car.

a Pick up truck trys to turn in front of us and catches himself before he T-bones me.

this is were the panic attack/day terror start. in my mind in REAL TIME he hits me. the back of my door and all of Lukes.

Im pinned. I cant turn around to check on luke and I hear nothing but a ring in my ear caused by his jammed Horn. I slide the phone out of my pocket with my right hand, the only part of me that can move.

I call 911 and its more complex then I remember 911 as being. it doesnt help that I can only faintly hear the person on the other end cause I cant get the phone to my ear.

it takes minutes for help to get there. I still cant hear luke all I hear is a horn and people chattering outside the car. they cant get to us.

more minutes pass, I hear sirens now. I hear metal scrapping ground and I feel as if the weight is being pulled away from my side. things are broken but I will live. I hear more crunching metal and then I hear my baby scream. and then he is quiet again.

im finally able to turn around and all im going to say is at this point I wish I hadnt.

in this day terror he doesnt make it.

Im getting worse.