I feel the need to push people away again...
I find myself getting angry with people I love...
there is no reason for me to be angry with them, they did nothing wrong.
Im pushing them away to protect myself, and them. am I selfish? or do I just want them to be happy even though I cant be?
Monday, November 2, 2009
Lost
I feel Lost now more then ever.
Everything I thought was true is a lie, a fabrication, some form of untruth... semantics at best.
its times like these that i envy Karen's 'disorder'. to see things in Black OR white... Everything is Grey.
even though Ive had my fears of being BPD... this is the one thing that keeps me from falling down that hole.
Everything I thought was true is a lie, a fabrication, some form of untruth... semantics at best.
its times like these that i envy Karen's 'disorder'. to see things in Black OR white... Everything is Grey.
even though Ive had my fears of being BPD... this is the one thing that keeps me from falling down that hole.
Monday, September 21, 2009
I havent forgoten
...about you, whoever you may be.
Life has been Hectic with TK starting school, Adjusting to new games(seems trivial I'm sure.), dealing with a Karen going into a busy season after such a dry one(always a Joy, and damn near kills me every year), so on and so forth...
and this is the big one.
Fighting so Hard to figure out who I am so I know who TK is so he doesnt hafta have a soul searching blog of his own someday trying to figure out who, what, WHY, where, when, and how...
Life has been Hectic with TK starting school, Adjusting to new games(seems trivial I'm sure.), dealing with a Karen going into a busy season after such a dry one(always a Joy, and damn near kills me every year), so on and so forth...
and this is the big one.
Fighting so Hard to figure out who I am so I know who TK is so he doesnt hafta have a soul searching blog of his own someday trying to figure out who, what, WHY, where, when, and how...
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Worse Panic Attack ever.
Im driving down the road... 161 to be exact. the current speed limit is 55 miles an hour.
we are coming up on the first light past 270. its only Luke and I in the Car.
a Pick up truck trys to turn in front of us and catches himself before he T-bones me.
this is were the panic attack/day terror start. in my mind in REAL TIME he hits me. the back of my door and all of Lukes.
Im pinned. I cant turn around to check on luke and I hear nothing but a ring in my ear caused by his jammed Horn. I slide the phone out of my pocket with my right hand, the only part of me that can move.
I call 911 and its more complex then I remember 911 as being. it doesnt help that I can only faintly hear the person on the other end cause I cant get the phone to my ear.
it takes minutes for help to get there. I still cant hear luke all I hear is a horn and people chattering outside the car. they cant get to us.
more minutes pass, I hear sirens now. I hear metal scrapping ground and I feel as if the weight is being pulled away from my side. things are broken but I will live. I hear more crunching metal and then I hear my baby scream. and then he is quiet again.
im finally able to turn around and all im going to say is at this point I wish I hadnt.
in this day terror he doesnt make it.
Im getting worse.
we are coming up on the first light past 270. its only Luke and I in the Car.
a Pick up truck trys to turn in front of us and catches himself before he T-bones me.
this is were the panic attack/day terror start. in my mind in REAL TIME he hits me. the back of my door and all of Lukes.
Im pinned. I cant turn around to check on luke and I hear nothing but a ring in my ear caused by his jammed Horn. I slide the phone out of my pocket with my right hand, the only part of me that can move.
I call 911 and its more complex then I remember 911 as being. it doesnt help that I can only faintly hear the person on the other end cause I cant get the phone to my ear.
it takes minutes for help to get there. I still cant hear luke all I hear is a horn and people chattering outside the car. they cant get to us.
more minutes pass, I hear sirens now. I hear metal scrapping ground and I feel as if the weight is being pulled away from my side. things are broken but I will live. I hear more crunching metal and then I hear my baby scream. and then he is quiet again.
im finally able to turn around and all im going to say is at this point I wish I hadnt.
in this day terror he doesnt make it.
Im getting worse.
Friday, July 24, 2009
This is how I feel most days...
Depeche Mode - Wrong
I was born with the wrong sign
In the wrong house
With the wrong ascendancy
I took the wrong road
That led to the wrong tendencies
I was in the wrong place
At the wrong time
For the wrong reason
And the wrong rhyme
On the wrong day
Of the wrong week
I used the wrong method
With the wrong technique
Wrong
Wrong
There's something wrong with me chemically
Something wrong with me inherently
The wrong mix
In the wrong genes
I reached the wrong ends
By the wrong means
It was the wrong plan
In the wrong hands
The wrong theory for the wrong man
The wrong eyes
On the wrong prize
The wrong questions with the wrong replies
Wrong
Wrong
I was marching to the wrong drum
With the wrong scum
Pissing out the wrong energy
Using all the wrong lines
And the wrong signs
With the wrong intensity
I was on the wrong page
Of the wrong book
With the wrong rendition
Of the wrong look
With the wrong moon
Every wrong night
With the wrong tune played
Till it sounded right, yeah
Wrong
Wrong
Too long...
I was born with the wrong sign
In the wrong house
With the wrong ascendancy
I took the wrong road
That led to the wrong tendencies
I was in the wrong place
At the wrong time
For the wrong reason
And the wrong rhyme
On the wrong day
Of the wrong week
I used the wrong method
With the wrong technique
Wrong
I was born with the wrong sign
In the wrong house
With the wrong ascendancy
I took the wrong road
That led to the wrong tendencies
I was in the wrong place
At the wrong time
For the wrong reason
And the wrong rhyme
On the wrong day
Of the wrong week
I used the wrong method
With the wrong technique
Wrong
Wrong
There's something wrong with me chemically
Something wrong with me inherently
The wrong mix
In the wrong genes
I reached the wrong ends
By the wrong means
It was the wrong plan
In the wrong hands
The wrong theory for the wrong man
The wrong eyes
On the wrong prize
The wrong questions with the wrong replies
Wrong
Wrong
I was marching to the wrong drum
With the wrong scum
Pissing out the wrong energy
Using all the wrong lines
And the wrong signs
With the wrong intensity
I was on the wrong page
Of the wrong book
With the wrong rendition
Of the wrong look
With the wrong moon
Every wrong night
With the wrong tune played
Till it sounded right, yeah
Wrong
Wrong
Too long...
I was born with the wrong sign
In the wrong house
With the wrong ascendancy
I took the wrong road
That led to the wrong tendencies
I was in the wrong place
At the wrong time
For the wrong reason
And the wrong rhyme
On the wrong day
Of the wrong week
I used the wrong method
With the wrong technique
Wrong
Friday, July 3, 2009
Music...
at one point it was easy to say that I am/was obsessed with Pink Floyd, or Music in General.
Music has always been able to move me to Tears, laughter, joy, etc...
PF was the embodiment of this.
No Matter my mood there was a song or in some cases an entire album that I could play to take me out of that mood or heighten it to epic proportions.
I can play a song by VNV nation and be reminded of an entire feeling... not just the sights and sounds but EVERYTHING about it. as if the past 9 years have never passed.
Music was a strong force in my life... but Ive lost it.
Ive lost the ability to be moved by music like I used to be. now my obession with PF is purely because I know I should be, more over I know I want to be... Obessed with something.
its not just music... everything in my life is losing its flavor... Ive been heart broken for over a year because I feel like ive lost a lover. but it isnt a woman... its music.
was it Karen braking my heart that did it? The Passing of my Grandma? Losing myself? any number of things that have happend in the past few years... for better and/or for worse... I dont know. maybe its apart of losing myself...
I miss enjoying the moving feelings I got from music, the taste of fine foods, the smell and feel of a thunder storm, the scent of a woman, I miss living... I miss Roger Waters Belting out lyrics about insanity and having it make me feel sane.
Music has always been able to move me to Tears, laughter, joy, etc...
PF was the embodiment of this.
No Matter my mood there was a song or in some cases an entire album that I could play to take me out of that mood or heighten it to epic proportions.
I can play a song by VNV nation and be reminded of an entire feeling... not just the sights and sounds but EVERYTHING about it. as if the past 9 years have never passed.
Music was a strong force in my life... but Ive lost it.
Ive lost the ability to be moved by music like I used to be. now my obession with PF is purely because I know I should be, more over I know I want to be... Obessed with something.
its not just music... everything in my life is losing its flavor... Ive been heart broken for over a year because I feel like ive lost a lover. but it isnt a woman... its music.
was it Karen braking my heart that did it? The Passing of my Grandma? Losing myself? any number of things that have happend in the past few years... for better and/or for worse... I dont know. maybe its apart of losing myself...
I miss enjoying the moving feelings I got from music, the taste of fine foods, the smell and feel of a thunder storm, the scent of a woman, I miss living... I miss Roger Waters Belting out lyrics about insanity and having it make me feel sane.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Panic Disorder
one of the 11 things the Doc SSI sent me too said I had was Panic Disorder...
my Disorders are part of who I am so lets see the example of this.
once a month for being on SSI and having kids I get Food Stamps. once a month I have a rutial of going out at midnight on the first and getting food.
I do this at midnight because I hate people. to many people around and I get panicked.
I just spent 45 minutes in the parking lot of a Krogar 'frozen' because it was the third chain store I went to that was 24 hours a day last month but is closed at 10-12 this month.
a cop tapping on the window with a flash light sent me in a diffrent form of panic. I explained my ordeal and he apolagized for startling me and followed me home to make sure I got here ok.
in other news: Westerville cops rule. he did not hafta escort me home. but he did and not because he was being a dick but because he was concerned and understanding.
my Disorders are part of who I am so lets see the example of this.
once a month for being on SSI and having kids I get Food Stamps. once a month I have a rutial of going out at midnight on the first and getting food.
I do this at midnight because I hate people. to many people around and I get panicked.
I just spent 45 minutes in the parking lot of a Krogar 'frozen' because it was the third chain store I went to that was 24 hours a day last month but is closed at 10-12 this month.
a cop tapping on the window with a flash light sent me in a diffrent form of panic. I explained my ordeal and he apolagized for startling me and followed me home to make sure I got here ok.
in other news: Westerville cops rule. he did not hafta escort me home. but he did and not because he was being a dick but because he was concerned and understanding.
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