rejected, neglected, and abused...

yep...

Valentines... Bah Humbug.

I want to preface this with saying I love my wife, and that my anger is not in anyway shape or form Directed at her...

I married a woman I love to the moon and beyond...

When I seen her for the first time over a decade ago it was instantaneous.

This is where the great cosmic irony comes in...   I am a Hopeless romantic.  I love spontaneity.  I love pampering.  I love spoiling.   I love Foreplay in all its forms...    she...  She is a simple creature with simple needs.   and the rest of that is pointless fluff.  

My wife is "Asexual Grey-A" as she puts it...   and in many ways she is such a dude...   Feed her, and put out when she chooses...   and you have a happy Karen.

What Pisses me off is that some men choose one day a Year to PRETEND to be romantic, yet I yern to be Romantic and have no outlet...

People who Spend all year just coasting by...   only buying flowers if they have fucked up, or its Valentines day...    Bull Shit.   

Buy Flowers for no Reason...   

your girl likes Pin-ball? buy 11 roses and add a Roll of Quarters to the Box w/ the address to a quint doughnut shop that happens to have a couple pinball machines.   

Your girl is a Cuddler(First off, fuck you you lucky bastard...)?  Buy her a Teddy Bear, and a cute boys sweater for the Teddy bear, but before you put the sweater on the teddy bear, sleep with it under your pillow for one night, then give it a spritz of your cologne...

Effort year around...  it wont fucking kill you.

ARGH!!!

 

dark sense of humor...

Everyone mourns differently...  more so when mourning a Suicide.  Some people shame the person, some doom them to hell, others are thankful the person is at peace, and twisted folk like me just hope it was Autoasphyxia so the person has a shot at heaven if it exists... or at the very least, went out "pleased".

Injeni

January 3rd 2014, I posted this on my Facebook:

"working on my writing and realized the English language has a flaw. A flaw I vow to fix before my daughter is old enough to date... my goal is lofty I know, but I will add at least one word to the English language. It will be as versatile as "beautiful", but will be for intellect not inner/outer beauty. This will not be the last time I touch this subject..."

Three days later I would come up with the word, its currently the working title of my first planned Fantasy novel.

Injeni...   in - jee - nee...    the rime and reason I choose these syllables and this spelling are silly, simple, and will prob be my little secret for a long time. lets just say, the ogre in me picked them out.

Since then I've used the word while online gaming, on my twitter feeds, and lovingly to my wife and daughter.  the reason I'm doing it at all.  the two women closest to me are my inspiration in this. both of them are brilliant, clever, and witty.  when it comes down to it I'm a hopeless romantic, and have always been fond of using pet names. With Karen though, to compliment her greatest asset, I found that the English language was lacking in words I could use as both a pet name, and a descriptor for her Wit, intellect, etc...  and as a feminist father, I was appalled at the idea that my daughter would live in a world where her beauty may supersede her brains due to a lack of appropriate words.

 so here I am...  trying to forge a new word.  if swag and yolo have been given the light of day.  there is no reason that an injeni word like injeni, cant.

 from my wifes Injeni point of view! http://www.walkingtheborderline.com/2014/01/in-a-world/

its first publishing.  http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Injeni&defid=7529815

 

 

a-Mused

it is no coincidence that I do my best writing when Karen is around. she is my Muse after all.

what, however a-Mused me was the fact that I could have such a hard time getting a specific(and very special IMHO) part to come out right. to the point that I deleted my work on that paragraph 14 times, but after she laid down behind me to read. I was able to not only get it out, but to turn the paragraph into a page.

now I promise I will try to stop posting about how my wife makes me Gush, and get back on task, whining about how my life is horrible, as soon as its Horrible again.

yep, she is a cure all...

Karen called me around 2:30...   asked what she needed to ask, said what she needed to say...   she could tell something was wrong with me, when she asked if I was ok, I Lost control of my face.  tears started streaming and the words "no", followed by "I don't know". Ran from my mouth, like they had been waiting for that exact moment to escape.  she asked me if I wanted her to come over and I fought with myself to say yes. knowing she had homework to do.  so she brought her homework with her.  moments after she showed up at the apartment, I felt better.  just her presence. her love,  made me feel better.

The line "You complete me." is so cheesy, yet so perfect.  all week I've felt like a black hole had formed inside me and was gaining mass/energy.  When Karen showed up, she broke the laws of Astrophysics and closed said black hole.  Filling it with her love, and thus making me whole again.

she does complete me.


TL;DR - I think Karen is Swell.

No Energy

I'm Listless...

I don't want to leave my bed.

I don't want to play video games.

I don't want to Wrestle with the kids(but I still do).

I don't want to write.

I don't want to be posting this blog post.

It is almost like the only time I want to be doing anything is when Karen is around.  Is it because I'm trying to impress her, or IMHO more likely she is the cure to my current state of depression.  Either way, I need my Karen more then she needs me right now.  I understand that, but it still stings.

ugh.

Fruit Punch Kickstart wasn't enough... fighting the urge to crawl back in bed. LOSING the will to fight...

New Years Reztatution: Yeah... I'm doing one of these this year.

1. 30 minutes of writing every night, even if its 30 minutes of writing dialogue with myself about not having anything to write about. 

2. Update my blog weekly... this is writing above and beyond #1.

3. Go on 2 fancy first dates a month with Karen

 4. 350lbs

5. family mini vacation

6. pursuing my love of Astrology/Astrophysics in some way...

7. To treat Karen with the same Passion I did during the first week of us dating(both times).

Pigeons

I have anxiety issues... nay nay... Subscriptions. the best metaphor I've ever used when people catch me "Day Dreaming", "off in my own little world", or "Staring into space"... has always been; "I am trying to catch a Pigeon, but there are too many in the way." or some variation of. I'm filled with thoughts... pure chaos... I am looking at a dozen choices, with dozens of possible outcomes each... and I'm only trying to catch one thought, about one choice... and chances are that single choice is so trivial. on a good day there are a few Dozen Pigeons causing me hell... if I "Meditate" I can get them down to under a dozen or so. Today is not a good day for Anxiety. there are thousands of Pigeons... and they are angry.

friends

you were my friend when I had none.

I sat in a tiny room at my grandmothers condo, in front of my moms PC. my mother next to me snoring.  if she was on the PC id be where she was, snoring.  that day we talked on IM briefly...   later that week I decided to message you anonymously, Teddy bear 77...   that's all you knew of who it was. I knew you needed a friend, and as your friend you needed to know how smart and beautiful that Teddy Bear thought...

when I got your pictures and invite to your graduation, I was on cloud nine...   you only send that kind of thing to a friend.

we seen movies, went to the Zoo, played games...  

we talked music, talked books, and you vowed to find me someone perfect...

I made jokes about Cloning, Kidnapping, and assassins paid for in BBQ potato chips...

I tried to bribe you with back rubs and zoo animals...

for a while you stayed true to a rusty white knight who was only true to you in words, but not actions.  then came the list...   a List that today would be balanced against me. not because im untrue...  but rather because I am exhausted, old, and falling apart. 

one time in the very beginning I pushed you away...   I was overwhelmed with so many emotions.  within seconds I felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my entire life.

I fought with and against a mind that due to chemicals and/or programming was fighting against me from day one.   I've fought hard, every day. To be supportive of irrational whims. To Adapt to a woman who at her core is, was, and will always be the woman I fell in love with over a decade ago...   but at the same time was a different woman every day. a woman that one day would hang on my every word and make me feel like a million dollars, but on the next was telling me to shut up because my voice was finger nails on a chalk board.

for so long now I have blamed trust issues on so many things...  but the fact is.   it wasnt trust.  it was exhaustion.  this knight went into battle so many times...    daily, some times hourly...   other white knights were like wars...   so when you got a new friend, a new white knight.  I knew I would lose.  not because I didn't want to fight for you, but because I knew I didn't have the energy. I spent it all fighting you...  fighting for the privilege to be your friend.  I'm still fighting...  as feeble as it may seem.

everyday I do something in the name of Karen...  some times I brag about it because I want you to know, and appreciate it.  some times I don't say a word because you knowing will cause another battle I'm not equipped to fight.

I will always be your friend.  I just wish I was worth fighting for too...

Fighting...

Someone asked me today why I wasn't fighting to win her back...


I am fighting...  to get myself back.  only then would I be a worthy prize for another person.

my prayer for you...

I pray that you someday find someone who can handle you when your flame burns the brightest, without looking away...

...and I pray that person can endure the cold when your spirit is at its darkest.

Most of all, I pray that once you find this person. You notice, and embrace their strength as your own, while they still have strength left to share.

Amen

Even she has more Tact then this...

No, I'm not done being upset yet... I have a Lot of Love, Anger, Hate, Loneliness, Confusion, Abandonment, and so much more; to burn through.

"but it's been like 5 days..." No, it was more like 4100 days. I've only been the center of an emotional supernova for 5!

Jokes

I tend to tell jokes when I don't know how I'm supposed to react.

yesterday I upset Karen because I Told a joke.  I was unable to handle the way I was really feeling.

I was Pissed off. not directly at her, but pissed off non the less.  I knew I should Appreciate the Pizza, and for the kids sake I did.  what had me pissed off was the shit eating grin on the pizza man's face that told me he knew I was out of the way.  I know that he has no chance(I'd hope) with my soon to be ex-wife but the look on his face when he delivered her gift to us Enraged me.

since she and I had joked about her killing me in the past...  I didn't think it would be in poor taste.  that is the problem.  I didn't think. I didn't know how to simply say, thank you.

I started a joke, that had the whole world angry...

Who was I going to be?

who was I going to be?

I knew that much.

I was going to be a Student, a Writer, a Reader...

I was going to be a Poet, a Dreamer, a Lover...

I Was going to be a Partner, a Friend, a Collaborator...

now I don't know who I am going to be beyond the father of three Successful kids...   maybe that is all I'm destined to be.

chapter 1

Ogres have always been a misunderstood race of beings. Most think of them as stomachs with a temper, and though this may be true. There is more to them then that.  Take our hero for example...   being a well fed Ogre of means.  he has time to cultivate something most ogres cant.  Feelings.   On this particular day, the feeling he is trying to grasp and understand was, contentment. he was feeling truly satisfied with his surroundings.

Zombie Skies

I have a book idea...   omg this story will rock hardcore.


Steampunk, Zombies, and a Dashing Captain

back handed....

I Carry it well.  I am High Functioning.  I am beating the odds. you smell good for a big guy. you would be a Handsome man if...

These are the government cheese of compliments.

Yes I get it, I'm Damaged goods, but if you cant figure out a compliment that is JUST a Compliment then please don't bother.

to once again quote my Grand mother; If you cant say anything nice, just STFU.

Socially Awkward

People say they enjoy my company...

People sometimes laugh at my jokes...

People seem to ignore when I say things that are out of line or awkward...

so I wonder, as I've wondered for well over a decade now.

is my awkwardness random, or am I the retarded kid that is "on" the team but only gets to hit the field when the team is so far ahead that me running around like a retard wont hurt the game.

Am I being Humored? because that's how it seems most days.

oh no...

All the Bills are paid, all the kids are fed dressed and happy, Im not Feeling Pain, Ive got a Car that runs parked outside my back door, Ive got a wife that loves me, and girlfriends she doesn't know about(Kidding), I'm not in Pain, I'm not Dizzy, I'm not Exhausted for no Reason, and I'm losing weight...

I'm Catching myself doing little trivial things I wouldn't have done weeks ago... like deviating from the norm when ordering food(I go to Chipotla, my order is the same EVERYTIME). Yesterday at Frisch's:"Honey, why did I order Onion rings? I NEVER order onion rings...". may seem trivial but its a big deal to me. I'm still having Panic attacks and Day Terrors but the rest of me seems to be falling into place.

and the big one(IMHO). my Friend April asked me how I was. I always answer with something Cynical like "I'm Alive, Meh, you don't wanna know, etc..." this last time my answer was "Awesome" I didn't notice the change but she sure did.... 10 years of responding in a depressed manner and this last time it was "Awesome"... trivial but Big.

Kids, I think I may be Happy.