New Years Reztatution: Yeah... I'm doing one of these this year.

1. 30 minutes of writing every night, even if its 30 minutes of writing dialogue with myself about not having anything to write about. 

2. Update my blog weekly... this is writing above and beyond #1.

3. Go on 2 fancy first dates a month with Karen

 4. 350lbs

5. family mini vacation

6. pursuing my love of Astrology/Astrophysics in some way...

7. To treat Karen with the same Passion I did during the first week of us dating(both times).

Pigeons

I have anxiety issues... nay nay... Subscriptions. the best metaphor I've ever used when people catch me "Day Dreaming", "off in my own little world", or "Staring into space"... has always been; "I am trying to catch a Pigeon, but there are too many in the way." or some variation of. I'm filled with thoughts... pure chaos... I am looking at a dozen choices, with dozens of possible outcomes each... and I'm only trying to catch one thought, about one choice... and chances are that single choice is so trivial. on a good day there are a few Dozen Pigeons causing me hell... if I "Meditate" I can get them down to under a dozen or so. Today is not a good day for Anxiety. there are thousands of Pigeons... and they are angry.

friends

you were my friend when I had none.

I sat in a tiny room at my grandmothers condo, in front of my moms PC. my mother next to me snoring.  if she was on the PC id be where she was, snoring.  that day we talked on IM briefly...   later that week I decided to message you anonymously, Teddy bear 77...   that's all you knew of who it was. I knew you needed a friend, and as your friend you needed to know how smart and beautiful that Teddy Bear thought...

when I got your pictures and invite to your graduation, I was on cloud nine...   you only send that kind of thing to a friend.

we seen movies, went to the Zoo, played games...  

we talked music, talked books, and you vowed to find me someone perfect...

I made jokes about Cloning, Kidnapping, and assassins paid for in BBQ potato chips...

I tried to bribe you with back rubs and zoo animals...

for a while you stayed true to a rusty white knight who was only true to you in words, but not actions.  then came the list...   a List that today would be balanced against me. not because im untrue...  but rather because I am exhausted, old, and falling apart. 

one time in the very beginning I pushed you away...   I was overwhelmed with so many emotions.  within seconds I felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my entire life.

I fought with and against a mind that due to chemicals and/or programming was fighting against me from day one.   I've fought hard, every day. To be supportive of irrational whims. To Adapt to a woman who at her core is, was, and will always be the woman I fell in love with over a decade ago...   but at the same time was a different woman every day. a woman that one day would hang on my every word and make me feel like a million dollars, but on the next was telling me to shut up because my voice was finger nails on a chalk board.

for so long now I have blamed trust issues on so many things...  but the fact is.   it wasnt trust.  it was exhaustion.  this knight went into battle so many times...    daily, some times hourly...   other white knights were like wars...   so when you got a new friend, a new white knight.  I knew I would lose.  not because I didn't want to fight for you, but because I knew I didn't have the energy. I spent it all fighting you...  fighting for the privilege to be your friend.  I'm still fighting...  as feeble as it may seem.

everyday I do something in the name of Karen...  some times I brag about it because I want you to know, and appreciate it.  some times I don't say a word because you knowing will cause another battle I'm not equipped to fight.

I will always be your friend.  I just wish I was worth fighting for too...

Fighting...

Someone asked me today why I wasn't fighting to win her back...


I am fighting...  to get myself back.  only then would I be a worthy prize for another person.

my prayer for you...

I pray that you someday find someone who can handle you when your flame burns the brightest, without looking away...

...and I pray that person can endure the cold when your spirit is at its darkest.

Most of all, I pray that once you find this person. You notice, and embrace their strength as your own, while they still have strength left to share.

Amen

Even she has more Tact then this...

No, I'm not done being upset yet... I have a Lot of Love, Anger, Hate, Loneliness, Confusion, Abandonment, and so much more; to burn through.

"but it's been like 5 days..." No, it was more like 4100 days. I've only been the center of an emotional supernova for 5!

Jokes

I tend to tell jokes when I don't know how I'm supposed to react.

yesterday I upset Karen because I Told a joke.  I was unable to handle the way I was really feeling.

I was Pissed off. not directly at her, but pissed off non the less.  I knew I should Appreciate the Pizza, and for the kids sake I did.  what had me pissed off was the shit eating grin on the pizza man's face that told me he knew I was out of the way.  I know that he has no chance(I'd hope) with my soon to be ex-wife but the look on his face when he delivered her gift to us Enraged me.

since she and I had joked about her killing me in the past...  I didn't think it would be in poor taste.  that is the problem.  I didn't think. I didn't know how to simply say, thank you.

I started a joke, that had the whole world angry...

Who was I going to be?

who was I going to be?

I knew that much.

I was going to be a Student, a Writer, a Reader...

I was going to be a Poet, a Dreamer, a Lover...

I Was going to be a Partner, a Friend, a Collaborator...

now I don't know who I am going to be beyond the father of three Successful kids...   maybe that is all I'm destined to be.

chapter 1

Ogres have always been a misunderstood race of beings. Most think of them as stomachs with a temper, and though this may be true. There is more to them then that.  Take our hero for example...   being a well fed Ogre of means.  he has time to cultivate something most ogres cant.  Feelings.   On this particular day, the feeling he is trying to grasp and understand was, contentment. he was feeling truly satisfied with his surroundings.